Arvind Kejriwal (left) and N Srinivasan © IANS and AFP
By Abhishek Mukherjee
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
After his election to the President of Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) following a keenly-contested tussle, Arvind Kejriwal took a heart-wrenching oath in his Shikhar Dhawan moustache late on Monday to set a new precedence in the history of Indian cricket.
The Delhi Chief Minister’s rise was meteoric after he had contested for the post as the representative of Punjab Cricket Association at the request of IS Bindra. One would have expected Narayanaswami Srinivasan to retain his post, but in an encore of the Delhi State Election of 2013, Kejriwal rode on his popularity wave and turned the tables.
“I have come with the simple mission of taking Indian cricket to standards the country has not known before. I also believe in the fact that the authorities need to play a crucial role in this migration, and as we all know, with great power comes Corey Anderson.”
At this stage, Bindra coughed a bit and Kejriwal returned to his speech: “What I meant was, with great power comes great responsibility. This means that nobody in the BCCI can take their place for granted and assume that they have cemented their place,” said Mr Kejriwal with an awkward stress on the word “cement”.
Mr Kejriwal later went on to dedicate the victory to the people of Mombasa, the host of the Mombasa Sports Club Ground — the only international ground with a mango tree inside it. For some inexplicable reason, Mr Kejriwal has also decided to change the logo of BCCI to a mango.
At this point, Mr Kejriwal’s cell-phone buzzed. “Ah, it’s a congratulatory message,” said the new BCCI President, “from the Indian vice-captain. Let me read it out.”
What followed will probably go down in the history of Indian cricket as one of the most memorable 160-character correspondences: “Hey beep, congratz on your beeping win! Just beeping luvd the way you have beeped those beeps’ beeps.”
“Of course we will be concentrating on the important aspects of Indian cricket,” said Mr Kejriwal. “I have talked at lengths with Mr Mohammad Azharuddin on this. As he said, we need to bat well, bowl well, and field well.”
“Over the past six years, cricket in India has given in to the franchises, which has resulted in the Indian Premier League being dominated by the power of money. This time, however, there will be a new team, hosted by The Common Man. Players will not receive a financial contract, but will be given five-roomed duplex apartments in their places of choice. They will also be levied the charge of 10 rupees if they want to apply for a candidature in the upcoming elections.
“Any cricketer, present or past, would be allowed to join the franchise in any way they feel like. There will, however, be a few exceptions. Men like Rahul Dravid or Narendra Hirwani will not be eligible to be associated with the team.”
The statement resulted in a general murmur among the people present, only to be hushed up by whispers of the phrase “first name” from various corners of the hall.
Speaking of the Indian captain, the President requested him to lay emphasis on the sweep if they really wanted to win matches on a consistent basis. “We will discuss this at lengths during the Stuart Broad walk yesterday,” said Mr Kejriwal to MS Dhoni, a sentence that did not go down well with the fans of Sourav Ganguly all over the country.
“Kejriwal has back-stabbed Ganguly in the process. This is sheer politics of the worst kind that has been dished out to Bengal cricket over the decades. Dada should have been reappointed as captain of India,” said a member of the angry mob that was busy burning an effigy of Greg Chappell on the streets of Kolkata.
Ganguly himself looked very perplexed when queried about this and assured the media that he was perfectly happy with his current life and had no intention whatsoever to return to cricket, but his fans were adamant. “He is a greater captain than Dhoni,” their voice echoed.
Several Indian cricket legends were overwhelmed by Mr Kejriwal’s speech. “He’s just like Palmolive,” said a proud Kapil Dev in an interview: “jawab nahin.” Aaaaaaa
Sachin Tendulkar, on the other hand, uttered the name of the cyclone (Aila) that had hit the coasts of East India and Bangladesh in May 2009 to describe the aggressive, no-nonsense demeanour of Mr Kejriwal.
Mr Kejriwal has also declared that he would be opening a new rehabilitation centre for cricketers who would manage to pick up injuries during the off-season. The hospital, whose wings will be named after the likes of Ashish Nehra and Manoj Tiwary, will turn out to be invaluable in the sense that it would not be necessary for cricketers to be treated at home.
He also laid emphasised on the new agenda for BCCI, at the top of which was finding a bat sponsor for Cheteshwar Pujara. “I will try my best to get Toyota Innova to sponsor him,” promised Mr Kejriwal: “With a nose like his, brands like Nasivion and Otrivin had no option but to turn the offer down.” Eminent former cricketers Bill Lawry, Ken Rutherford, and Nasser Hussain were seen nodding their heads in acknowledgement.
Having uttered these words, Mr Kejriwal left the hall like a tracer bullet. Suresh Raina later Tweeted that Mr Kejriwal had made a short detour of the Monty Panesar restrooms on his way out, but he later confessed that it was his nephew who was behind the mischief.
On a side note, Mr Srinivasan was not available for comments regarding his defeat. He was last seen exchanging pleasantries with Jonathan Trott outside Edgbaston.
(Abhishek Mukherjee is a cricket historian and Senior Cricket Writer at CricketCountry. He generally looks upon life as a journey involving two components – cricket and literature – though not as disjoint elements. A passionate follower of the history of the sport with an insatiable appetite for trivia and anecdotes, he has also a steady love affair with the incredible assortment of numbers that cricket has to offer. He also thinks he can bowl decent leg-breaks in street cricket, and blogs at http://ovshake.blogspot.in. He can be followed on Twitter at http://www.twitter.com/ovshake42)