N Srinivasan

N Srinivasan stepped aside as the BCCI chief on June 2, 2013 © PTI

By Ashwin Kumar
 
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction

In what can be viewed as a pro-active strategic move to augment its capacity in the clean chits issuing business, the Central Board of Investigation (CBI) has decided to acquire the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) for an undisclosed, yet substantial, amount. The move came after the BCCI appointed two-member panel to probe CSK enthusiast Gurunath Meiyappan and Rajasthan Royals owner Raj Kundra gave them the mother of all clean chits: let alone spot-fixing, the committee gave Gurunath Meiyappan and Raj Kundra the benefit of the doubt even regarding allegations of betting.

Post acquisition, BCCI could be renamed as the Board for Clean Chits in India. Given the structural similarities between the two bodies — both operate in an opaque manner, exempt as they are from the RTI, and both are only accountable to their masters and not the public — the acquisition ought to be smooth, feel business pundits.

The BCCI’s methods have greatly impressed CBI chief Ranjit Sinha who feels his agency has much to learn from the cricket body. “Wow, yaar! I don’t think we ourselves have done anything like this — appointing some people of our own to probe some allegations against our people and then giving a clean chit,” raved the CBI Director. “Also, tactfully not having accepted the resignations of those who had tendered them is another masterstroke! Clearly, these guys have outclassed us in the art. We would benefit greatly by their innovative methods and I’m sure they too would flourish under the tutelage of some of our seasoned officers,” he added.

N Srinivasan has promised to lend BCCI resources to the government in many ongoing probes: the railway board scam, 2G scam, coal block scam to mention a few. “There is an art to issuing clean chits that cannot be easily replicated across organizations. Considering BCCI deals with issues at the intersection of politics, entertainment, business and..ummm…. oh yeah, cricket, we have cutting edge expertise in this regard,” said the soon to be reinstated BCCI President. 

“Anyway, I don’t have the luxury of having a dummy figure such as MMS [Manmohan Singh] to proxy for me so I have to watch my back all the time,” he trailed off.”

(Ashwin Kumar is a humorist with www.theunrealtimes.com where this article was originally published. The UnReal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)