Home > Features > Humour >

Breaking News: West Indies’ captain Darren Sammy is a Tamil Brahmin!

Sammy punctiliously performs Sandhya Vandanam before heading for practise
Sammy punctiliously performs Sandhya Vandanam before heading for practise

By UnReal Mama

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction by UnReal Times

West Indian skipper, Darren Sammy, is not of Afro-Carribean ethnicity as is widely believed but a pucca Tam Brahm! This stunning revelation came to the fore after the cricketer was spotted performing Sandhya Vandanam in the wee hours of dawn in his 5 star hotel before the team headed out for net practice.

Darren Sammy, or more accurately Muralidharan Swamy (the name was anglicised after most West Indians found it impossible to pronounce the original South Indian monicker) hails from an orthodox Iyer family, the Swamys, who incidentally are distantly related to Janata Party President, Dr. Subramanian Swamy. The West Indian all-rounder spent his formative years in Chennai’s Mylapore before migrating to the Caribbean island nation of St. Lucia in pursuit of his dream of becoming a pace bowler.

“Even as a school-going kid, Swamy was rather different from his Padma Seshadri classmates,” disclosed Ambi mama, Sammy’s maternal uncle.

“While his fellow Iyer cousins reveled in solving Quantum Mechanics wave equations, cracking Mathematics Olympiad problems or listening to Carnatic music, Swamy’s attention used to frequently drift through the window onto the neighbouring street where little urchins played cricket with a rubber ball. Swamy would often bunk his classes and join them.”

And to add to his parents’ consternation, Sammy idolised the fearsome West Indian pace battery of the ’80s rather than India’s legendary spin quartet comprising Bishan Bedi, EAS Prasanna, Bhagwat Chandrasekhar and S Venkataraghavan. Matters came to a head after the Tenth Board exams, when Sammy’s dad, Varun Swamy, asked him to “live up to the family’s scholastic tradition” by getting into IIT. So the budding cricketer, very much against his wishes, was forced to attend three-hour long classes for IIT-JEE in T-Nagar’s Satyamurthy school. Sammy rebelled. With support from Ambi mama, Sammy found the courage to go against his parents’ wishes and migrated to the Caribbean where his cricketing talent blossomed after he was selected to play for St. Lucia in the Red Stripe Bowl. Within a few years, he earned his West Indies cap.

Aiyyo, how much I told Murali to take up chess as a hobby after getting into a top Engineering college. But no use, he only wanted to play cricket, chae,” wistfully recalled Murali’s dad, Mr. Varun Swamy, who still entertains hopes that DarrenMuralidharan will chuck his cricketing career and enroll for an engineering seat from Guindy Engineering College, his cousin Karthik Aiyer’s alma mater.

Sammy is still very much in touch with his roots though. “Swamy regularly does Sandhyavandanam, strictly avoids non-vegetarian food, including eggs, and absolutely loves curd rice. Why, just two months back he asked me to courier a new poonal,” said Ambi mama, with a touch of unmistakable pride.

However, Ambi mama‘s only gripe is that Sammy chose fast bowling instead of the more cerebrally challenging art of spin bowling. “Look at Ravichandran Ashwin. He chose a trade where his natural Iyer intelligence will invariably enable him to shine. I don’t know, but sometimes I feel fast bowling is a little..er.. un-Brahminical,” frowned Ambi mama.

Tam Brahms in general have welcomed the news that Darren Sammy is one of their own. Former Union Minister, Mani Shankar Aiyar, while criticising The Unreal Times for this blatantly casteist article, remarked in a soft voice, “Sammy should suffix ‘Iyer’ to his name so that people don’t misplace his ethnic identity. He had even me confused there.”

(Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)

South Africa tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Jul 24, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Colombo

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 24, 2014 (12:30 IST)   at Bulawayo

India tour of England 2014

Jul 27, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at Southampton

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 6, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Galle

India tour of England 2014

Aug 7, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at Manchester

More

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 22, 2014  at Bulawayo

Afghanistan won by 2 wkts

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 20, 2014  at Bulawayo

Zimbabwe won by 8 wkts

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 18, 2014  at Bulawayo

Zimbabwe won by 6 wkts

India tour of England 2014

Jul 17, 2014  at London

India won by 95 runs

South Africa tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Jul 16, 2014  at Galle

South Africa won by 153 runs

Photos

Gallery: India vs England 2nd Test at Lord's

Videos

Alastair Cook jokes about his bowling

India’s wins in England — from 1971 to 2014

Ravindra Jadeja knighted by her majesty Queen Elizabeth II

India’s win over England in 2nd Test at Lord’s: Twitter reactions

Ishant Sharma pummels England into submission as India clinch Lord’s Test by 95 runs

Ishant Sharma registers name at Lord’s honours board, takes 6 wickets in 2nd Test against England

Bhuvneshwar Kumar England England vs India England vs India 2014 India India tour of England 2014 India vs England India vs England 2014 Ishant Sharma South Africa South Africa tour of Sri Lanka 2014 Sri Lanka Sri Lanka vs South Africa Sri Lanka vs South Africa 2014

Jos Buttler calls his Test call-up for England against India a “dream come true”

Pakistan court helps family of girl cricketer who committed suicide

Pakistan Cricket Board aims to introduce democratic process of governance

Sachin Tendulkar not offended by Maria Sharapova’s comment

Afghanistan beat Zimbabwe in 3rd ODI at Bulawayo by 2 wickets

Ishant Sharma: The enigma who takes key wickets

Statistical highlights of India vs England 2014, 2nd Test at Lord’s

Ishant Sharma’s email inbox after the Lord’s Test match against England

Ishant Sharma’s house targetted by fans after expecting another failure

India’s wins in England — from 1971 to 2014

Fan of the Day

Fan Cricket

Fan Cricket

11 Posts | 2 Fans

Brazil vs Netherlands, 3rd place Fifa World Cup 2014 match Video Highlights

What did Anil Kapoor do for daughters Sonam Kapoor and Rhea Kapoor’s Khoobsurat?

Why did Kareena Kapoor Khan reject six films in last five months?

Kejriwal meets families of Indians stranded in Iraq

Gaza toll 609 as US blames Hamas for crisis!

Telecom stocks ring in gain; Nifty zooms 84 points

Nvidia Shield Tablet powered by a Tegra K1 processor announced

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here