Home > Features > Humour >

Crystal ball gazing into future legend Virat Kohli’s emotional speech when he retires in 2031

Crystal ball gazing into future legend Virat Kohli's emotional speech when he retires in 2031

Virat Kohli © Getty Images

By Anoop Dixith
 
Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.

Date: November 18, 2031

Occasion: Last match of the “243rd ODI series” between India and Sri Lanka.

Venue: Presentation, Chinnaswamy Stadium, Bengaluru.

Ravi Shastri (yes, it’s still him!): Now I’d like to invite the living legend, the man who has played for India for over 20 years, Viraaaaat Kohli! (Kohli walks up to the stage). Virat, the mike is all yours!

Virat Kohli: Than you, Ravi. All my friends and foes, settle down, or I will get increasingly aggressive talking. (crowd cheers louder. This frustrates Kohli). I said shut the f**k up! (Crowd immediately goes silent).

I’d like to thank a few people who stood by me all these years, supported me, understood that it’s just the way I am, every time I showed the middle-finger and gracefully moved on. Like Sachin Tendulkar in November 2013, I’ve too created a list (he chuckles), but if I forget someone, please understand that it IS deliberate, intentional and you deserve to be ignored.

First of all, I would like to thank my mom and dad. I don’t know how my mom dealt with such a foul-mouthed child like me. I was not easy to manage. She just prayed and prayed for me. While I don’t think her prayers and blessings have sweetened my tongue, they most definitely have given me the strength to go out and perform. So a big thank you to my mother for all the sacrifices.

My brother Vikash, now what do I talk about him? I don’t know. He was the one who spotted the spark in me. You will find this hard to believe, but even last night he called to discuss my dismissal, and continued to chatter until I told him ‘&3#!*, ab so jaa’, but that’s just the habit we have developed, the rapport we have since my birth, has continued and it will continue. Maybe when I’m not playing cricket we will still be discussing technique.

Next I thank all the women I have… er… been friends with, which continuously motivated me to play well, both on and off the field. I thank all the brands like Pepsi, Royal Challenge, Fastrack and more who believed in me and offered me crores of money for a small, bullsh*t 10 second ad. Seriously, thank you guys, you boosted my morale. And thank you Anushka Sharma. Most important of all, I thank BCCI [Board of Control for Cricket in India] for setting up so many India-Sri Lanka matches all through my career without which my century count would have been halved. I would also like to thank all the Sri Lankan bowlers for making my journey so memorable.

During my career, I played with some incredible bowlers like Ishant Sharma and Vinay Kumar who helped the opposition set up huge targets so I could chase them down and hit more centuries. So, I thank all those bowlers who are indirectly, actually directly, responsible for me being a legend today. So thank you, Lambu (waves at Ishant).

In my school days, when I performed well, the media backed me a lot. They continue to do that till this morning. Thank you so much to the media for supporting and appreciating my performances. It surely had a positive effect on me. A big thank you to all the photographers for those wonderfully captured moments, except the guy who clicked me flipping the bird in Australia. To him I say f**k you (shows middle finger, and the crowd roars.)

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and also say that time has flown by rather quickly, but the memories you have left with me will always be with me forever and ever, especially that “Kohli Kohli” and that “boooooo” which will reverberate in my ears till I stop breathing. Thank you very much. If I’ve missed something, I hope you understand that it’s intentional. Thank you!

(PS: The above post was in good humour, Virat. We love you!)

(Anoop Dixith is a programmer by trade and a part time PJ technician. He has just one hobby: ‘developing new hobbies’! He blogs at Sheke Times. Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 6, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Galle

India tour of England 2014

Aug 7, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at Manchester

South Africa in Zimbabwe, 2014

Aug 9, 2014 (13:30 IST)   at Harare

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 14, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Colombo

India tour of England 2014

Aug 15, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at London

More

India tour of England 2014

Jul 27, 2014  at Southampton

England won by 266 runs

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 24, 2014  at Bulawayo

Afghanistan won by 100 runs

South Africa tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Jul 24, 2014  at Colombo

Match drawn

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 22, 2014  at Bulawayo

Afghanistan won by 2 wkts

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 20, 2014  at Bulawayo

Zimbabwe won by 8 wkts

Photos

India vs England 2014, 3rd Test

Videos

Highlights of Phil Hughes' double ton

5 things you need to know about Graham Thorpe

India vs England 2014, 4th Test at Old Trafford: Ajinkya Rahane needs to play decisive role

10 little-known facts about Sir Frank Worrell

Statistical analysis of Jacques Kallis’s ODI career

Ajinkya Rahane England England vs India England vs India 2014 India India tour of England 2014 India vs England India vs England 2014 Jacques Kallis Jacques Kallis retirement James Anderson Moeen Ali South Africa

James Anderson all set to close in on Ian Botham’s record after being given clean chit in ‘Pushgate’ incident

James Anderson, Ravindra Jadeja not found guilty by Judical Commissioner

James Anderson pleads guilty of pushing Ravindra Jadeja; says no malice intended

Ravindra Jadeja playing ahead of Ravichandran Ashwin in India’s tour of England a disaster, says Erapalli Prassana

Nasser Hussain praises Alastair Cook after victory in 3rd Test against India at Southampton

India A vs Australia A 2014, Final: Last chance for future stars to shine

Gary Ballance — the headline writer’s dream and the correspondent’s nightmare

An open letter to Pankaj Singh

India vs England 2014, 4th Test at Old Trafford: Should Umesh Yadav be sent as cover for Ishant Sharma?

5 things you need to know about Graham Thorpe

Fan of the Day

Niharika Shah

Niharika Shah

658 Posts | 6 Fans

Sachin Tendulkar's nine dismissals against James Anderson

India A vs Australia A 2014, Final: Last chance for future stars to shine

Rafael to miss rest of Man Utd’s tour of the USA with groin injury

Shah Rukh Khan: I am bored of answering questions about Salman Khan and me

India A vs Australia A quadrangular series final Live Cricket Score: Australia A won the toss and elected to bat first

Google most attractive employer among Asia-Pacific graduates

Delhi shoppers more e-commerce savvy: Survey

Prevent Diabetes Tip – get regular health check-ups

Shah Rukh Khan: I want to continue working as long as I live

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here