Home > Features > Humour >

Crystal ball gazing into future legend Virat Kohli’s emotional speech when he retires in 2031

Crystal ball gazing into future legend Virat Kohli's emotional speech when he retires in 2031

Virat Kohli © Getty Images

By Anoop Dixith
 
Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.

Date: November 18, 2031

Occasion: Last match of the “243rd ODI series” between India and Sri Lanka.

Venue: Presentation, Chinnaswamy Stadium, Bengaluru.

Ravi Shastri (yes, it’s still him!): Now I’d like to invite the living legend, the man who has played for India for over 20 years, Viraaaaat Kohli! (Kohli walks up to the stage). Virat, the mike is all yours!

Virat Kohli: Than you, Ravi. All my friends and foes, settle down, or I will get increasingly aggressive talking. (crowd cheers louder. This frustrates Kohli). I said shut the f**k up! (Crowd immediately goes silent).

I’d like to thank a few people who stood by me all these years, supported me, understood that it’s just the way I am, every time I showed the middle-finger and gracefully moved on. Like Sachin Tendulkar in November 2013, I’ve too created a list (he chuckles), but if I forget someone, please understand that it IS deliberate, intentional and you deserve to be ignored.

First of all, I would like to thank my mom and dad. I don’t know how my mom dealt with such a foul-mouthed child like me. I was not easy to manage. She just prayed and prayed for me. While I don’t think her prayers and blessings have sweetened my tongue, they most definitely have given me the strength to go out and perform. So a big thank you to my mother for all the sacrifices.

My brother Vikash, now what do I talk about him? I don’t know. He was the one who spotted the spark in me. You will find this hard to believe, but even last night he called to discuss my dismissal, and continued to chatter until I told him ‘&3#!*, ab so jaa’, but that’s just the habit we have developed, the rapport we have since my birth, has continued and it will continue. Maybe when I’m not playing cricket we will still be discussing technique.

Next I thank all the women I have… er… been friends with, which continuously motivated me to play well, both on and off the field. I thank all the brands like Pepsi, Royal Challenge, Fastrack and more who believed in me and offered me crores of money for a small, bullsh*t 10 second ad. Seriously, thank you guys, you boosted my morale. And thank you Anushka Sharma. Most important of all, I thank BCCI [Board of Control for Cricket in India] for setting up so many India-Sri Lanka matches all through my career without which my century count would have been halved. I would also like to thank all the Sri Lankan bowlers for making my journey so memorable.

During my career, I played with some incredible bowlers like Ishant Sharma and Vinay Kumar who helped the opposition set up huge targets so I could chase them down and hit more centuries. So, I thank all those bowlers who are indirectly, actually directly, responsible for me being a legend today. So thank you, Lambu (waves at Ishant).

In my school days, when I performed well, the media backed me a lot. They continue to do that till this morning. Thank you so much to the media for supporting and appreciating my performances. It surely had a positive effect on me. A big thank you to all the photographers for those wonderfully captured moments, except the guy who clicked me flipping the bird in Australia. To him I say f**k you (shows middle finger, and the crowd roars.)

I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart, and also say that time has flown by rather quickly, but the memories you have left with me will always be with me forever and ever, especially that “Kohli Kohli” and that “boooooo” which will reverberate in my ears till I stop breathing. Thank you very much. If I’ve missed something, I hope you understand that it’s intentional. Thank you!

(PS: The above post was in good humour, Virat. We love you!)

(Anoop Dixith is a programmer by trade and a part time PJ technician. He has just one hobby: ‘developing new hobbies’! He blogs at Sheke Times. Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Sep 4, 2014 (13:00 IST)   at Harare

India tour of England 2014

Sep 5, 2014 (15:00 IST)   at Leeds

Bangladesh Tour of West Indies, 2014

Sep 5, 2014 (19:30 IST)   at Kingstown, St Vincent

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Sep 6, 2014 (13:00 IST)   at Harare

India tour of England 2014

Sep 7, 2014 (19:30 IST)   at Birmingham

More

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Sep 2, 2014  at Harare

Australia won by 62 runs

India tour of England 2014

Sep 2, 2014  at Birmingham

India won by 9 wkts

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Aug 31, 2014  at Harare

Zimbabwe won by 3 wkts

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 30, 2014  at Dambulla

SL won by 7 wkts (D/L method)

India tour of England 2014

Aug 30, 2014  at Nottingham

India won by 6 wkts

Photos

India vs England, 4th ODI at Edgbaston

Videos

Misbah disppointed with Pakistan's performance

Ajinkya Rahane, Shikhar Dhawan complete comprehensive series win for India with 9-wicket win in 4th ODI

Mitchell Marsh records highest strike rate in an ODI innings for Australia against South Africa

N Srinivasan faces a two-month wait as Mudgal commission prepares final report

Norman Gordon passes away at 103

Ishant Sharma: 10 facts you need to know about the towering Indian paceman

Australia Australia and South Africa in Zimbabwe 2014 Australia vs Zimbabwe England England vs India England vs India 2014 India India tour of England 2014 India vs England India vs England 2014 Pakistan South Africa Zimbabwe Zimbabwe Triangular Series 2014 Zimbabwe vs Australia Zimbabwe vs Australia 2014

Shakib Al Hasan takes up ‘Rice bucket challange’

Nathan Lyon injured during Australia’s 62-run win against South Africa in Zimbabwe tri-series

Amitabh Bachchan lashes out at Indian cricket fans

Alastair Cook vows to stay on as England captain despite ODI series loss against India

Ajinkya Rahane becomes first Indian opener to score an ODI hundred against England in England

14 greatest upsets in ODIs — Part 1

Faf du Plessis shows his grit with twin tons against Australia in Zimbabwe Triangular Series

India’s ODI series triumphs outside Asia — a statistical review

Cricket in Columbia: Rest of the World XI beat India XI

Sachin Tendulkar’s Playing It My Way: What cricket lovers would expect from his autobiography

Fan of the Day

Suraj Gowda

Suraj Gowda

628 Posts | 7 Fans

Thilan Samaraweera finds an unusual way to get stumped

Calling all Vegetarians: How to Have an all Inclusive BBQ

Apple confirms accounts of Hollywood celebrities were compromised to access nude photos, refutes iCloud breach

Shakib Al Hasan takes up ‘Rice bucket challange’

Opera Mini returns to Windows Phone, starts taking signups for beta testing

Nathan Lyon injured during Australia’s 62-run win against South Africa in Zimbabwe tri-series

International programme in Animal Husbandry

Latest Ebola News: Death toll in Democratic Republic of Congo (DRC) reaches 31

Hrithik Roshan not doing Hollywood film Step Up 6?

What is endometriosis?

Obhrai Announces Canadian Support For Bangladesh

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here