Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
A survey conducted by The Unreal Times last evening revealed the following responses to the question, “Mahendra Singh Dhoni has blamed the pitch yet again for Team India’s defeat in the 3rd Test. What’s your reaction?”
– 9% said they’ll shoot themselves.
– 16% tore their hair out and ran screaming into the streets.
– 25% gave this surveyor a mouthful of abuses.
– 50% didn’t say anything; instead they simply punched our surveyor.
As these correspondents waited for a nurse to stitch up their wounds in the hospital, they decided to draw up a list of innovative excuses that Dhoni can confidently state at the presentation ceremony without upsetting their countrymen.
Number 5: Blame global warming
One of the reasons why India is the final frontier for these goras is that they simply cannot stand the heat and humidity for five consecutive days. Thanks to global warming, that is no longer the case. Temperatures are hitting new highs in Europe, and weather is getting increasingly inconsistent and unpredictable in India. If it weren’t for US and China indiscriminately releasing greenhouse gases into the atmosphere, India’s torrid climate would cause Caucasians to sweat buckets and render the Indian bowling three times more effective than it actually is.
(Note to Dhoni: Do not use this excuse during Indian winters.)
Number 4: Blame Manmohan Singh for economic liberalization
The skipper can lambast the improved hygiene standards, because of which none of the English cricketers have developed stomach bugs or flues ever since they landed in India. Dhoni can point out that hygiene standards have improved by leaps and bounds in tandem with economic growth. So the blame ultimately lies with Dr. Manmohan Singh for liberalising the economy. Conversely, Dhoni can also argue that the crash of the housing market that triggered the global financial crisis may have been a factor in his team’s defeat. After all, since then, economic recovery has been tepid and unemployment high in the developed economies, including the UK. This may have induced the English cricketers to actually try and win a series on spinning subcontinental tracks to bring smiles to the faces of depressed English cricket fans.
Number 3: Blame Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru
Dhoni can also single out India’s first Prime Minister for slump in fortunes of the Indian team and the state of Indian cricket in general. Had Nehru allowed Jinnah to become Prime Minister, India would not have been partitioned and Saeed Ajmal would have featured in the Indian playing XI. And we know what that would have meant as far as the scoreline is concerned.
Number 2: Blame Aditya Chopra for making a dumb movie like ‘Jab tak hai Jaan’
Yes, that’s right. If Indians felt like tearing their hair out in frustration after coming out of halls, imagine how messed up the English may have been. After all, substantial portions of the movie were shot in London. Dhoni can point out that this might have motivated the English more than the Indians to take badla.
Number 1: Blame the Indian Premier League
The Indian Premier League (IPL), as usual, takes the cake as the best excuse, but not for the usual boring reason. IPL should be blamed for not organising enough T20 matches. By restricting the event to once a year and limiting the number of foreign players to four, IPL is not ruining the technique and temperament of the foreign players enough. The Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) must offer opportunities to not just the international players of foreign teams but also their promising youngsters. Within a couple of years, the same guy who might ruin us by scoring a 300-ball double century in a future Test match would learn to slog every ball to cow-corner, and the same spinner who might master flight, grip and spin to torture Indian batsmen, would learn to bowl flat and fast and keep the batsman to a single, wickets be damned.
(“Unreal Mama” is the pen name under which CS Krishna (left) and Karthik Laxman (right), the founding editors of The Unreal Times (www.theunrealtimes.com ), write fictional news reports, dressing room conversations and other such articles marrying humour with satire. The Unreal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal and the article above is reproduced with permission)