Home > Features > Humour >

Ian Bell burns his bat in protest against India

Ian Bell burns his bat in protest against India

Ian Bell’s face reflects his mood after setting fire to his bat © Getty Images

Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.

Shortly after former New Zealand star batsman Martin Crowe protested against Ross Taylor‘s sacking by setting fire to his New Zealand Test blazer, another incident of what is already being termed “Crimation” occurred on Thursday when Ian Bell reportedly burnt his bat in protest at “the completely unacceptable treatment I’ve received at the hands of India’s bowlers throughout this tour”.

Averaging just 14 from three innings, the England No 5 has endured a torrid time on the subcontinent and confessed that today’s torching  was not the first occasion he had considered resorting to such action in response to the “intolerable deviousness” of India’s feared attack: “After I was lured into playing that shot at Ahmedabad I was livid with Pragyan Ojha. No one seemed to say anything about his behaviour but the sly way he just lobbed up a length delivery for me to scoop to mid-off made me want to take a candle to one of my gloves. Of course, I didn’t – I just did that funny thing I do with my top lip instead – but after the underhand ball from Ishant Sharma in Kolkata which he duped me into wafting through to Dhoni, I knew things were going to come to a head. I sat on the balcony and held a magnifying glass over my thigh pad and waited for that sweet-smelling slightly plasticky smoke which makes it all better. It was only when Matt Prior intervened – he’s good at putting out fires – that I realised the madness of what I was doing. I could only hold off my pyrolust for so long, however, and getting out to, I can barely say it, Piyush Chawla just proved too much. I needed to burn willow.”
 
Those within the upper echelons of the game are becoming increasingly worried that the trend is turning into an epidemic after further instances of “Cri-mations” were reported during the same Nagpur Test match. Perhaps most surprisingly, England captain Alastair Cook, whilst uncharacteristically angered after receiving a somewhat dubious lbw decision, is alleged to have joined the fiery craze by building a bonfire out of his pads in the shape of Kumar Dharmasena, dousing it in petrol and then throwing a lit fag towards it. Medical experts remain baffled by the behavior, but believe this is not even the first “umpyre” to have been set ablaze this year after the burnt out remains of what looked suspiciously like a Rod Tucker mask were found near Jacques Kallis’s barbecue back in August.
 
Last night, International Cricket Council head Alan Isaac vowed to act  quickly to stop the spread of “Crimation” by insisting that all international cricketers will be fitted with sprinkler systems to be triggered automatically whenever an unnecessarily hot-headed tantrum is detected. “We realise this may make Stuart Broad’s life a little bit soggy from time to time,” he said. “But the health and safety of players is absolutely paramount.”

(James Marsh is a TEFL teacher based in the Czech Republic, although his real occupation is alienating those close to him by wallowing on statsguru. He blogs on cricket at Pavilion Opinions and can be found on Twitter at @PavilionOpinion)
 

India tour of England 2014

Sep 2, 2014 (15:00 IST)   at Birmingham

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Sep 2, 2014 (13:00 IST)   at Harare

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Sep 4, 2014 (13:00 IST)   at Harare

India tour of England 2014

Sep 5, 2014 (15:00 IST)   at Leeds

Bangladesh Tour of West Indies, 2014

Sep 5, 2014 (19:30 IST)   at Kingstown, St Vincent

More

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Aug 31, 2014  at Harare

Zimbabwe won by 3 wkts

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 30, 2014  at Dambulla

SL won by 7 wkts (D/L method)

India tour of England 2014

Aug 30, 2014  at Nottingham

India won by 6 wkts

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Aug 29, 2014  at Harare

South Africa won by 61 runs

Zimbabwe Triangular Series, 2014

Aug 27, 2014  at Harare

South Africa won by 7 wkts

Photos

Australia vs Zimbabwe, ODI tri-series at Harare

Videos

Misbah disppointed with Pakistan's performance

India vs England 2014, 4th ODI at Edgbaston: Key Battles

India vs England 4th ODI at Birmingham: India’s likely XI

Ishant Sharma: 10 facts you need to know about the towering Indian paceman

India vs England 4th ODI at Birmingham: England likely XI

Supreme Court refuses to reinstate N Srinivasan as BCCI president

Australia Australia and South Africa in Zimbabwe 2014 Australia vs Zimbabwe England England vs India England vs India 2014 India India tour of England 2014 India vs England India vs England 2014 Pakistan South Africa Zimbabwe Zimbabwe Triangular Series 2014 Zimbabwe vs Australia

AB de Villiers hints at resting players if they win against Australia

Ravichandran Ashwin: England’s weakness against spin has made things comfortable for India

Michael Clarke admits Australia’s weakness to spin bowling

Sourav Ganguly: England have mental block playing spinners

BCCI official: Tough for board to host Annual General Meeting this month

India tour of England 2014: Shikhar Dhawan may be an innings away from getting back into form

India vs England 2014, 4th ODI at Edgbaston: Key Battles

India vs England 4th ODI at Birmingham: India’s likely XI

Ishant Sharma: 10 facts you need to know about the towering Indian paceman

India vs England 4th ODI at Birmingham: England likely XI

Fan of the Day

Niharika Shah

Niharika Shah

668 Posts | 6 Fans

Yuvraj Singh's ton against MCC

Ravichandran Ashwin: England’s weakness against spin has made things comfortable for India

Is Shraddha Kapoor finally ready for the cameras?

Motorola Moto G successor will also be called Moto G, leaked photo from Flipkart warehouse suggests

Michael Clarke admits Australia’s weakness to spin bowling

Sony SmartWatch 3 and SmartBand Talk leaked ahead of September 4 launch

How to plan a home birth

United States urges Israel to reverse Palestinian land-grab plan

Is Nargis Fakhri heart-broken over break up with Uday Chopra?

NGOs pursue education for all

International programme in Animal Husbandry

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here