Home > Features > Humour >

Ian Bell burns his bat in protest against India

Ian Bell burns his bat in protest against India

Ian Bell’s face reflects his mood after setting fire to his bat © Getty Images

Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.

Shortly after former New Zealand star batsman Martin Crowe protested against Ross Taylor‘s sacking by setting fire to his New Zealand Test blazer, another incident of what is already being termed “Crimation” occurred on Thursday when Ian Bell reportedly burnt his bat in protest at “the completely unacceptable treatment I’ve received at the hands of India’s bowlers throughout this tour”.

Averaging just 14 from three innings, the England No 5 has endured a torrid time on the subcontinent and confessed that today’s torching  was not the first occasion he had considered resorting to such action in response to the “intolerable deviousness” of India’s feared attack: “After I was lured into playing that shot at Ahmedabad I was livid with Pragyan Ojha. No one seemed to say anything about his behaviour but the sly way he just lobbed up a length delivery for me to scoop to mid-off made me want to take a candle to one of my gloves. Of course, I didn’t – I just did that funny thing I do with my top lip instead – but after the underhand ball from Ishant Sharma in Kolkata which he duped me into wafting through to Dhoni, I knew things were going to come to a head. I sat on the balcony and held a magnifying glass over my thigh pad and waited for that sweet-smelling slightly plasticky smoke which makes it all better. It was only when Matt Prior intervened – he’s good at putting out fires – that I realised the madness of what I was doing. I could only hold off my pyrolust for so long, however, and getting out to, I can barely say it, Piyush Chawla just proved too much. I needed to burn willow.”
 
Those within the upper echelons of the game are becoming increasingly worried that the trend is turning into an epidemic after further instances of “Cri-mations” were reported during the same Nagpur Test match. Perhaps most surprisingly, England captain Alastair Cook, whilst uncharacteristically angered after receiving a somewhat dubious lbw decision, is alleged to have joined the fiery craze by building a bonfire out of his pads in the shape of Kumar Dharmasena, dousing it in petrol and then throwing a lit fag towards it. Medical experts remain baffled by the behavior, but believe this is not even the first “umpyre” to have been set ablaze this year after the burnt out remains of what looked suspiciously like a Rod Tucker mask were found near Jacques Kallis’s barbecue back in August.
 
Last night, International Cricket Council head Alan Isaac vowed to act  quickly to stop the spread of “Crimation” by insisting that all international cricketers will be fitted with sprinkler systems to be triggered automatically whenever an unnecessarily hot-headed tantrum is detected. “We realise this may make Stuart Broad’s life a little bit soggy from time to time,” he said. “But the health and safety of players is absolutely paramount.”

(James Marsh is a TEFL teacher based in the Czech Republic, although his real occupation is alienating those close to him by wallowing on statsguru. He blogs on cricket at Pavilion Opinions and can be found on Twitter at @PavilionOpinion)
 

West Indies tour of India, 2014

Oct 20, 2014 (14:30 IST)   at Kolkata

Pakistan vs Australia in UAE, 2014

Oct 22, 2014 (11:30 IST)   at Dubai

West Indies tour of India, 2014

Oct 22, 2014 (19:00 IST)   at Cuttack

Zimbabwe tour of Bangladesh, 2014

Oct 25, 2014 (09:30 IST)   at Dhaka

South Africa tour of New Zealand, 2014

Oct 27, 2014 (03:00 IST)   at Hamilton

More

South Africa tour of New Zealand, 2014

Oct 24, 2014  at Mount Maunganui

South Africa won by 72 runs

South Africa tour of New Zealand, 2014

Oct 21, 2014  at Mount Maunganui

South Africa won by 6 wkts

West Indies tour of India, 2014

Oct 17, 2014  at Dharamsala

India won by 59 runs

West Indies tour of India, 2014

Oct 14, 2014  at Visakhapatnam

Match cancelled

Pakistan vs Australia in UAE, 2014

Oct 12, 2014  at Abu Dhabi

Australia won by 1 run

Photos

Pakistan vs Australia, 1st Test at Dubai

Videos

Amla feels Proteas more acclimatised to conditions

Pakistan eye victory as Australia reel at 59/4 at stumps on Day 4

Suresh Raina gifts Aditya Garhwal an autographed bat

Dwayne Bravo says West Indies pull-out had everybody’s consent

Bangladesh gain upper-hand over Zimbabwe at stumps on Day 1 of 1st Test

David Warner and others with records related to hundreds in consecutive Test innings

Australia Australia tour of UAE 2014 Australia vs Pakistan Australia vs Pakistan 2014 Duleep Trophy India New Zealand New Zealand vs South Africa 2014 Pakistan Pakistan vs Australia Pakistan vs Australia 2014 South Africa South Africa tour of New Zealand 2014 South Africa vs New Zealand 2014 West Indies

Pakistan vs Australia 2014: Younis Khan considered skipping Tests

Michael Clarke: Younis Khan is one of the gentlemen of our game

Duleep Trophy 2014: Central Zone to meet South Zone in final

Pakistan eye victory as Australia reel at 59/4 at stumps on Day 4

Pakistan vs Australia 2014: David Warner admits that Australia is not scared of big targets

Younis Khan scores 26th ton to establish Pakistan record

Younis Khan becomes seventh Pakistani cricketer to score two hundreds in a Test

Virat Kohli and others with 20 ODI hundreds

David Warner and others with records related to hundreds in consecutive Test innings

Strangers, Brothers and Cricket— the English novelist CP Snow’s lasting passion for the game

Fan of the Day

Suraj Gowda

Suraj Gowda

642 Posts | 9 Fans

Virat Kohli's Family Meets Anushka Sharma

NGOs pursue education for all

How to make tamarind or imli packs for hair and skin

Dear IAF, every smartphone not just Xiaomi could be a security threat

International programme in Animal Husbandry

Michael Clarke: Younis Khan is one of the gentlemen of our game

Apple to merge Beats Music with iTunes next year as music sales fall 14 percent in 2014: WSJ

Pakistan vs Australia 2014: Younis Khan considered skipping Tests

Anil Kapoor ropes in a new director for son Harshvardhan’s next?

ISL 2014, 12th Match: Delhi Dynamos FC 4-1 Chennaiyin FC in Pics

Top Sex Positions: Frog Princess

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here