Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
The sixth edition of the Indian Premier League (IPL) confronts a crisis of monstrously gargantuan proportions. It’s not the sagging Target Rating Points (TRPs) or that the people are already getting bored by the mostly mind-numbing fare on display; it’s something far graver. The Association of IPL presenters, a union that looks out for the interests and wellbeing of IPL commentators, hosts and sundry pretty young things associated with the sporting extravaganza, has refused to substitute ‘DLF maximum’ with ‘Yes Bank maximum’ or have its members embarrass themselves in front of the cameras by dancing to “Jumping Japaak”.
Explain the rationale behind the stand, Association President Ravi Shastri said that he and his fellow commentators are far too conditioned in their ways and it is unfair and downright unfeasible to expect them to change their commentary style for reasons as trivial as the real estate conglomerate ending its sponsorship contract with the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI).
“It goes beyond mere habituation, man. I’m sentimentally attached to phrases such as ‘DLF Maximum’, ‘Citi Moment of Success’, and ‘Karboon Kamaal Catch’,” cried an emotionally agitated Shastri, “for they now occupy pride of place alongside bromides like ‘tracer bullet’, ‘the fully monty’ and ‘electrifying atmosphere’ in my repertoire of beloved clichés. This is so….just not what the doctor ordered.”
Association Vice-President Sunil Gavaskar, being a true professional who approaches commentary, even if it is of the junk variety, with the same meticulousness as he prepared for Test cricket batting, has no issues with ‘Yes Bank Maximum’ as such, but balked when informed that this year he would have to dance to ‘Jumping Jepaang’ as well.
“It is bad enough that I have to sit through 72 matches of abominable cricket, and now you expect me to shake my body to this as well!” cried the Little Master.
Both the veterans have indicated that though they are contract-bound to toe the BCCI line during commentary they will refuse to budge on this highly emotive issue. “We’ve already sold our souls once to the cricket board, yaar. We can’t keep re-selling it again and again now, can we?” snarled Shastri, hot tears of humiliation streaming down his gaunt face.
IPL commissioner Rajiv Shukla is working overtime to quell the crisis. “There is nothing to worry about. Since we don’t have replacements for Karbon Kamaal and Citi, Ravi can continue to use those clichés in his commentary. Meanwhile, we have admitted him to a rehab program to get him de-addicted from uttering now taboo phrase ‘DLF maximum,” disclosed Shukla.
“As for dancing to “Jumping Jepaang“, I realise it is embarrassing initially, but I assured Sunny bhai [Gavaskar] that it will grow on him over time and soon he won’t be able to get it out of his head. After that Farah Khan will teach him cute steps (sic),” assured Shukla, before catatonically shaking his hips when someone shouted “gile gile up”.
(“Unreal Mama” is the pen name under which CS Krishna and Karthik Laxman, the founding editors of The Unreal Times (www.theunrealtimes.com), write fictional news reports, dressing room conversations and other such articles marrying humour with satire. The Unreal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)