Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
It is not the end of the world — not yet. Mayan experts say that doomsday is not on Friday, even as some brace for the worst. No, it isn’t because their calendar — which ends December 21, 2012 — was misinterpreted, but because Sachin Tendulkar hasn’t announced his retirement yet!
Speaking on condition of anonymity, a leading Mayan expert and an avid cricket fan told this writer, “Our ancestors didn’t see this one coming. They thought that Sachin would announce his retirement after a poor showing against England. That is when they settled on the date 21/12/2012. However, like he has done throughout his career, he continues to defy the critics, even those that were born centuries before him. The poor form happened, but the retirement didn’t.”
When pointed out that the fourth Test between India and England ended on December 17, the expert said, “Our ancestors gave the extra four days for India to recover from the shock. They didn’t want millions of people to face two catastrophes at once.”
All of this was surprising considering the fact that the Mayan civilisation existed centuries before cricket was even played. How did they foresee a player like Sachin Tendulkar? The Mayan expert had a simple explanation for this, “People who don’t follow cricket know Sachin. The Mayans were no different.”
On the other side of the planet, Ajinkya Rahane and Manoj Tiwary were seen performing rituals at a supposed “Mayan temple” in India. When quizzed, they said, “We are doing it for our respective Test debuts, which don’t look likely until Sachin retires.”
Suresh Raina was seen praying for a shield that protects him from chin music. Well, of course, captain Mahendra Singh Dhoni was also present and he was praying for the return of the good old days.
However, the cricketers were foxed by mistaken identity. They actually landed up at a Mayawati Park in Uttar Pradesh amid number of statues while searching for the Mayan Temple! The players did find the ‘Mayan calendar’, but the calendar ended the day the Bahujan Samaj Party (BSP) lost the UP elections. Only later did the cricketers realise that it was the Maya calendar and not the Mayan calendar!
With the real Mayan calendar ending on December 21, 2012 and the world still safe, the obvious question is: “When is the world actually ending?”
The expert was cynical and said, “Sachin has the right to decide what he wants. Nobody can tell him when to go. He has earned that right for himself.”
The Mayan expert was then told that he was asked about the end of the world and not the end of Tendulkar’s international career.
The Mayan expert replied: “I know. That’s what I answered! We Mayans know that the world will end when Sachin retires; there is very little point of life continuing after that. But when he will retire is something even we don’t know!”
(Nishad Pai Vaidya is a Correspondent with CricketCountry and an analyst, anchor and voice-over artist for the site’s YouTube Channel. He shot to fame by spotting a wrong replay during IPL4 which resulted in Sachin Tendulkar’s dismissal. His insights on the game have come in for high praise from cerebral former cricketers. He has also participated on live TV talk-shows on cricket. Nishad can be followed on Twitter at http://twitter.com/nishad_44)