MS Dhoni hired IIT whizkid to prepare optimal pitch for Kolkata Test

MS Dhoni is adamant that the pitch should negate the fastish spin of Monty Panesar © AFP

Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.

Technology giants may be luring talented IIT graduates with lucrative offers, but the most coveted job on campus has been bagged by Prashant Bansal, a Computer Science student. The department topper, who spurned a $200,000 offer from Google to improve its search algorithms, will instead be working with the Indian cricket team to prepare the optimal pitch to ensure an Indian victory in under four days.

The move to hire an IIT whizkid comes in the wake of differences between MS Dhoni and curator for the Kolkata Test, Prabhir Mukherjee. Much to the chagrin of the Indian skipper, Mukherjee has signaled his intention to either prepare a batsman’s paradise with nothing for the bowlers or an out and out turner that could yet again consume the Indians.

“Indian curators are so dumb, yaar. They lack the nous, patriotism and skills to prepare pitches in the national interest. So I was elated when I got an email from Prashant saying he has ‘cracked’ the problem and can prepare a pitch that will ensure an Indian victory with 95% probability,” recalled Dhoni.

The Indian skipper immediately made a dash for the verdant campus of IIT-Bombay to make a pre-placement offer that Bansal couldn’t refuse. The JEE topper has already put three night-outs to master the intricacies of soil preparation, aerodynamics, the physics of the SG Test ball gripping and turning, and the bio-mechanics of the Indian bowlers in his quest to prepare ‘the perfect pitch’.

However, after deeper study the problem seems more daunting than it initially appeared.

“There are so many constraints, man, that the solution might not all be that simple. For one, Dhoni’s adamant that the pitch should negate the fastish spin of Monty Panesar. When I suggested some grass to firm up the soil, he completely freaked out. At the same time, MS doesn’t want a featherbed either saying his bowlers need something to work with but not so much that the Indian batting comes under pressure. Anyway, I will try my best,” said Bansal, who for the first time is being really tested by a tough engineering problem.

(Reproduced with permission from The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)