MS Dhoni © Getty Images

After crumbling to another overseas Test defeat, MS Dhoni spoke to The Flying Freak for an exclusive chat.

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

Excerpts from an interview:

Flying Freak (FF): What do you think changed after the historic win at Lord’s?

MS Dhoni (MSD): Well, we need 20 wickets to win a Test. In the absence of Ishant Sharma, the team was completely demoralised. We tried to compensate by bringing another Sharma in the team (Rohit), but then talent is temporary, Ishant is permanent (smiles). You always want your best players to be there in the face of the opposition, but unfortunately we had to move ahead. It was a team plan to unleash Rohit in the One-Day International (ODI) series than using up his talent in Tests.

FF: What do you think of your captaincy in overseas Test defeats?

MSD: Look at the positive side. I’m not far away from the losses record of Brian Lara and Stephen Fleming.

FF: What are your thoughts about Virat Kohli’s form?

MSD:  can only talk about his form on the field…

FF: ….I’m asking you about his form on the cricketing field.

MSD: Look, you want your top batsman to score runs, but Virat has had some problems with the offside. He used to commit offside errors even in football matches in the practice session. Actually, Virat is practicing hard within minutes of getting back into the dressing room. Last evening, I saw him score century in Cricket 2014 on his Playstation. I can assure you that things are looking good. It’s just a matter of time he gets back among the runs.

FF: Has BCCI N Srinivasan spoken to you regarding this loss and the plan ahead?

MSD: Firstly, he assured me that this loss will not affect my post as vice-president in India Cements. When you have the powers backing you in such a way, it’s a nice feeling. Srini mama understands that the boys had prepared hard all through the month of April and May in UAE and in India. I told him we’ll compensate in our next series. Srini mama is a legend. He is now the ICC chairman and he knows how to handle the team. He knew we could be in trouble against England and thus had planned on a home series against West Indies. What foresight!

FF: Do you think playing five Tests in 42 days affected the fitness?

MS: No, not at all. In fact our boys had practiced hard by playing the IPL for two months. Playing for 25 days 21 days was no big challenge compared to flying every alternate day all over India.

FF: What are your immediate plans?

MSD: I think the boys have got enough experience now. It is time for us to focus on more important things like Champions League T20. But the big series will be West Indies. Shikhar [Dhawan], Kohli, Pujara, everyone can get back among the runs. Basically, we are following Modi’s mantra ‘Make in India’. In fact, the BCCI also sent us a letter by re-editing Modi’s speech. It had points like ‘If you want to play T20, come to India; If you want to see Rohit Sharma score runs, come to in India, if you want to see India win Tests by innings, come to India.’ This is in fact going to be our motto. Mark my words, all will be well when we take on West Indies at home.

FF: Finally, what do you expect from the team in ODIs?

MSD: Suresh Raina will be back in the team. So he will try to suck up the pacers’ energy by getting them to bowl short at us. And we’ll try to chase targets so that Kohli can get back in form. Even if our plan doesn’t work out, it won’t be of much harm. Unlike Tests where a five-day Test can end in three days, whatever happens, a 50-over match will still take a day to lose, so we don’t have to be ashamed like in Test series.

FF: Thank you, MS, for sparing such valuable time.

MS: You are most welcome. I have plenty of time on hand (smiles)!

Complete coverage of India’s tour of England 2014

(The Flying Freak eats, lives, drinks cricket, but likes to mix up the sport with everything. An aspiring vocalist, he is aiming to win the Ghanta Awards soon.)