Ravi Shastri © Getty Images
Ravi Shastri © Getty Images

 

By Tanay Sukumar

 

December 23, 2084

 

“Batsmen will decide which bowlers they want to play.”

 

“Fielding restrictions will be decided by the highest bidder during the IPL auction.”

 

“Cheerleaders will be tested and then selected by Boney Tiwari, grandson of late Congressman N D Tiwari.”

 

These are the new additions to Indian Premier League (IPL), as its 150th edition goes underway today. It has been a remarkable journey that began with the ambitious Lalit Modi in 2008, with just eight teams, eight cities, eight million missing dollars, played once a year for 50 days has now become the greatest sporting event ever.

 

In 2084, with 76 teams from nations like Lesotho, Guatemala, Burkina Faso, Montenegro, Somalia, etc, we realise the mammoth development in cricket. In affectionate remembrance of Vijay Mallya, the beautiful trophy is now replaced by a one-day-and-11-nights free stay with the top 500 Kingfisher  suitless models.

 

The IPL’s increasing worth over the years has allowed India to remain poor and miserable even at the approaching end of the 21st century (but the idea of “poor” and “rich” has changed, thanks to the 2055 Act of watching cricket as a Profession).

 

We take a look at the glowing history of IPL and how it has changed the world over the years.

 

2008: The first season of IPL, played, within merely 40-odd days and among eight teams.

 

Cynics frowned at the unprecedented human-trafficking of cricketers for big money. They also felt the T20 style would corrupt cricket. But Modi took it upon himself to prove that it was not the cricket going corrupt.

 

2019: The number of teams increased to 28, with a team from each Indian state. A 29th team needed K Chandrasekhar Rao to fast for at least a team for Telangana, if not a new state. The edition saw the debut of awarding 10 free hits to the team owned by the sexiest Bollywood celebrity. Ravi Shastri was suspended from commentary after he commented during a match, “I think the first 10 and last 10 overs will be extremely crucial for each team.”

 

2028: BCCI announces that it is the new ICC and IPL is the new World Cup, which had already died a shameful death after Bermuda Triangle beat Pakistan Non-State Actors XI in the 2027 final. International cricket becomes outlaw.

 

2038: BCCI bribes NASA to slow down the earth’s motion by half, so that more days could be accommodated in a year, and more hours in a day.

 

By this time, cricket had become way of life in India, instead of a sport. People were leaving jobs everywhere, and legalised betting had become the new agriculture. Not only did the 2038 slowing-down-of-earth help just the IPL, but a whole generation of mankind got to know the ill-effects of sleeping 20 hours a day.

 

2040: Telecast rights of IPL given to Leo Cricket. It marks the dawn of an era in which cricket is being shown in between commercials. In a landmark Bill passed in the Parliament, cricketers are now allowed to wear their ad costumes on the field for live shooting, and cheerleaders are allowed to drop their clothes on every boundary hit. The dancing position of cheerleaders is set to the 30-yard circle mark, to make the battle more even between the batsman and the bowler.

 

The telecast remained a problem till 2055. The advertisements meant, all that was being played was never being shown to TV viewers. Meanwhile, 2046 was the first time non-Indian teams featured in IPL. The 2040s also saw the practice of every IPL closing ceremony being immediately followed by an IPL opening ceremony.

 

2055: The telecast problem is solved as the government comes out with an Act which allows every Indian with balls and having a bat-tling life-history a bonanza prize of Rs 17 cash for watching an IPL match on the ground. Number of teams becomes 47, and the game is played 400 days a year.

 

Cricket thus changed the lives of millions of deprived Indians.

 

The 2070s: Over the seventies, cricket changed another important thing. Hindus and Muslims were no more the common religions. Zanzibar Zombies and Ohio Omelettes were. Atheism was outdated, as everyone followed one team or the other.

 

IPL, today: India which was already a cricketing powerhouse by early 21st century, has now, in 2084, become the Big Brother of George Orwell’s 1984 fame. Cricket is now the best medicine, and we’re on a permanent dosage of that medicine.

 

As two teams clash on the ground of Mahanagar Palika Shiksha Niketan, Kanpur Dehat, tonight, somewhere in a remote town named Modinagar, an old man (God hasn’t allowed him to die yet after seeing how he cheated the cheaters of BCCI) is watching all this with a wry smile on his face. When 76 teams battle it out over the next week in 967 matches in this edition, no one will take notice which team wins. For, what is to be celebrated is the victory of India’s first, second and third love — cricket, cheerleaders, and corruption (not necessarily in the same order), as all 20th century and early 21st century professions find themselves non-existent now.

 

(With inputs from Ankur Nigam)

 

(Tanay Sukumar, a 2nd year engineering student, is a satirist, humorist, blogger and founder of News That Matters Not – an Indian news satire blog. He is adamant about moving from being a spectator to becoming an entertainer. He lives in New Delhi and Facebooks at http://facebook.com/tanay.sukumar)