Home > Features > Humour >

Sachin Tendulkar’s critics seek asylum after the master top scores in India’s first innings of the Kolkata Test

Sachin Tendulkar's critics seek asylum after the master top scores in India's first innings of the Kolkata Test

Sachin Tendulkar’s fans, who for over a year have suffered ignominiously in silence, are now up in arms © Getty Images (Representation pic)

Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.

India’s neighbours, especially Bangladesh, confront a refugee crisis of gargantuan proportions in the wake of millions of Sachin Tendulkar’s detractors crossing the international borders and seeking asylum. The mass exodus has been precipitated by Tendulkar’s knock on the first day of the third Test against England. The God of cricket silenced his critics by not only reaching double digits but also ended the day as India’s top scorer on a benign, batsman friendly track at the Eden Gardens, thereby saving his team the blushes.

Tendulkar’s fans, who for over a year have suffered ignominiously in silence, even as his critics vocally took centre-stage in the national discourse, calling for the Little Master’s retirement — some even having the audacity to make sly digs at his expense — are now up in arms. “Aila, I will no longer suffer these wretched lot, now that God has finally let his bat do the talking,” screamed Prashant Bharve,  President of Sachin Fan Club in Thane, as he chased Tendulkar baiters in his neighbourhood with a cricket bat.

Even former cricketers have not been spared the wrath of Sachintards. Former cricketer turned commentator, Ravi Shastri, was accosted by a frenzied mob in Kolkata. Fortunately, Ravi managed to wriggle out of a potentially dangerous situation by furnishing transcripts of his vapid commentary, which apart from the usual clichés, did not contain explicit anti-Sachin sentiments. Kirti Azad is however not taking any chances and has gone AWOL. The former cricketer turned MP, who had recently made sarcastic remarks about Sachin, is reportedly in hiding somewhere in the badlands of North Waziristan near the Af-Pak border.

Curfew has been imposed in many parts of the country and the Prime Minister has appealed for peace and calm, beseeching God’s supporters to find it in themselves to overlook and forgive the transgressions of the Sachin baiters in keeping with the Indian ethos of tolerance and accommodation of diverse beliefs.

However, the tribe of Sachin detractors, a motley bunch of churlish, armchair activists across caste, community and class lines, are not taking any chances. While the well heeled are taking flights out of the country until the pogroms end, those lower down the economic ladder are trekking across the borders into Nepal and Bangladesh. The really desperate are even crossing over into Pakistan.

In related news, Tendulkar has taken back his offer of letting the selectors take a call on his career and restored the status quo ante of ‘Only Sachin will decide when Sachin has to retire’.

(Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)

(“Unreal Mama” is the pen name under which CS Krishna (left) and Karthik Laxman (right), the founding editors of The Unreal Times (www.theunrealtimes.com), write fictional news reports, dressing room conversations and other such articles marrying humour with satire. The Unreal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)

Bangladesh Tour of West Indies, 2014

Aug 20, 2014 (19:00 IST)   at St George's, Grenada

South Africa in Zimbabwe, 2014

Aug 21, 2014 (13:00 IST)   at Bulawayo

Bangladesh Tour of West Indies, 2014

Aug 22, 2014 (19:00 IST)   at St George's, Grenada

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 23, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Hambantota

India tour of England 2014

Aug 25, 2014 (15:00 IST)   at Bristol

More

South Africa in Zimbabwe, 2014

Aug 19, 2014  at Bulawayo

South Africa won by 61 runs

South Africa in Zimbabwe, 2014

Aug 17, 2014  at Bulawayo

South Africa won by 93 runs

India tour of England 2014

Aug 15, 2014  at London

England won by an innings and 244 runs

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 14, 2014  at Colombo

Sri Lanka won by 105 runs

South Africa in Zimbabwe, 2014

Aug 9, 2014  at Harare

South Africa won by 9 wkts

Photos

Highlights of Mahela Jayawardene’s Test career

Videos

Hughes explains technique behind cut shot

Will Duncan Fletcher exit, or will he hang on and risk getting sacked?

13 reasons for BCCI appointing Ravi Shastri to oversee India’s ODI team

Ravi Shastri, Sanjay Bangar, Bharat Arun, R Sridhar: New faces in the Team India management

England squad for ODIs against India: Rejuvenated England search for right balance in squad

MS Dhoni’s momentary outburst about IPL – what does it signify?

England England vs India England vs India 2014 India India tour of England 2014 India vs England India vs England 2014 Pakistan Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka 2014 Pakistan vs Sri Lanka Pakistan vs Sri Lanka 2014 Sri Lanka Sri Lanka vs Pakistan Sri Lanka vs Pakistan 2014

West Indies part ways with coach Ottis Gibson ahead of Bangladesh series

Ravi Shastri: I’m eager to find what went wrong with India after Lord’s

Sachin Tendulkar floored me with his knowledge of football, says IM Vijayan

Ravi Bopara shocked after being excluded from England’s ODI side

Michael Clarke insists tri-series in Zimbabwe not ‘token tour’

Will Duncan Fletcher exit, or will he hang on and risk getting sacked?

Bangladesh tour of West Indies 2014: Visitors need teamwork to produce noticeable performance

India’s coaching saga: Need stable options leading up to the ICC World Cup 2015

Ravi Shastri’s appointment could be the last straw for Duncan Fletcher

Michael Vaughan and his Twitter misdemeanours

Fan of the Day

Niharika Shah

Niharika Shah

659 Posts | 6 Fans

India tour of England 2014: Sunil Gavaskar says Indian batsmen did not learn anything

Central African Republic will have 7,600 United Nations peacekeepers

Ebola in India: Kolkata’s sex workers asked to refuse African customers

Israeli strike kills wife, child of Gaza military chief: Hamas

YouTube is down [update: it is back up]

“I bleed Microsoft”: Steve Ballmer steps down from Microsoft’s board

Sachin Tendulkar floored me with his knowledge of football, says IM Vijayan

Ebola in India: Three Nigerians admitted to Ram Manohar Lohia Hospital

Phil Hughes explains technique behind cut shot

Varun Dhawan looks sexier in a stubble than Ranbir Kapoor, think fans!

Have you seen Ranbir Kapoor’s wacky new TV commercial? Watch video!

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here