Laxman Sivaramakrishnan (above)… will take over from Sir Alex Ferguson.
By James Marsh
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
After intense lobbying by the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), Sir Alex Ferguson stood down as manager of Manchester United on Wednesday, to be replaced by former Indian leg-spinner Laxman Sivaramakrishnan.
Ferguson, who is the most successful manager in the club’s history, said he would have liked to have stayed on in the role, but that the “intolerable pressure from Chennai” made his position untenable.
Sivaramakrishnan himself said he had “a lot to offer British football” and was “thrilled, but not surprised” to be given the chance.
New boss Sivaramakrishnan will take over with immediate effect, despite many in the game voicing concern over whether a cricket commentator with no previous experience of football at any level was an appropriate choice to take on Sir Alex’s legacy.
However, a spokesman for the club made clear that he was definitely the right man: “There’s a lot of nonsense suggesting that Sir Alex was forced out because India Cements threatened to come to Old Trafford and concrete over the pitch unless we appointed Siva, but this is just not true. The fact is that although Sir Alex has won 13 league titles, two Champions League crowns, five FA Cups and four League Cups, we felt that Siva’s ability to explain the googly to the players in a slightly geeky manner would be far more likely to bring further success.”
The news has stunned the sporting world and divided opinion. Whilst many see the move as just another example of the BCCI’s ever-increasing dominance, once impartial observer, Harsha from Hyderabad, told a perplexed BBC reporter that this was a “wise and sensible decision in keeping with how lovely Mr Srinivasan’s hair looks in moonlight”.
His comments led to a fierce on-air row with a José from Madrid who kept stroking his chin and repeatedly telling confused viewers that, “Tim May is the Special One”.
(James Marsh is a TEFL teacher based in the Czech Republic, although his real occupation is alienating those close to him by wallowing on statsguru. He blogs on cricket at Pavilion Opinions and can be found on Twitter at @PavilionOpinion)