Transcript: Indian politicians debate how to save the Test match against England
Manmohan Singh (left) and Sonia Gandhi © PTI
Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
With a lead of almost 200 runs at the end of Day Three, with the Indian cricket team looking all but out of the game, help arrived from the highest quarters in the country as politicians cutting across parties and philosophies gathered for a national cause to brainstorm on how to save the day for India.
Leading the charge was the Congress supremo Sonia Gandhi as she Arnab Goswamied the other party leaders in a panel discussion of sorts.
Unreal Times brings you the transcript of the political pitching.
Sonia Gandhi: Okay folks, I have both good news and bad news.
Rahul Gandhi (jumps up and down clapping): Good news first, maa. Good news!
Sonia Gandhi: Yes, beta. For all of you who thought we sucked at our jobs and were good at nothing, the Indian cricket team has beaten us to it!
Applause and wolf whistles from senior politicians fill the hall
Sonia Gandhi: Sssssssh! Quiet, everyone. But the bad news is that the entire nation loves this dammed team, and so we need to get them out of the hole they have dug for themselves.
Shiv Sena leader (indignantly): They dug a hole?! Come on now, that’s our job!
Sonia Gandhi: Don’t get all literal on me here. I mean we need to help them save the Test match against England. So what do you guys suggest?
Mamata Banerjee: Rollback! Rollback the entire Test match. The peepul in Bengal are suffering with pain aphter watching this. This cricket series is anti-peepul.
Sonia Gandhi: Hmmm..Good idea, sister. But we don’t have enough sessions to get this passed. The MPs would take forever to debate this, and we only have two days left. Think of something else.
Mamata Banerjee: Think of something else? What do you mean? Are you a… (A furious Mamata Banerjee had to be escorted out of the meeting as she didn’t take the disapproval well)
Sonia Gandhi: I told you not to call her in the first place Manmohanji.
Manmohan Singh (head bowed apologetically)
Sonia Gandhi: Hey hole digger, what do you say?
Shiv Sena: Why don’t we book Alastair Cook under 66A for hurting our cricketing sentiments? No captain, no team, no game. Say what?
Kapil Sibal: That won’t work man. Had he put up a status update like ‘Woohoo!! Thrashed India’s arse today,’ I could have easily arrested him, but not without social media.
A voice from behind the curtains: You want me to expose him?
Sonia Gandhi: KEJRIWAL! What the hell are you doing here?
Arvind Kejriwal: Had a sit-in organised just outside this building. Overheard you, so decided to drop in.
Sonia Gandhi: Read the article’s title again, kid. It says ‘Politicians debate..’, not newbies debate.
(All real politicians present drown the hall with a mocking laugh. Kejriwal quietly leaves)
Sonia Gandhi: Expose, huh! Like our team hadn’t been stripped naked already. Anyways, concentrate guys.
Mayawati: Hey! I have an idea
Sonia Gandhi (frowning): Do you want me to invite you with a garland of notes to give the idea away now? Tell me what it is.
Mayawati: Let’s call the English team and tell them that if they don’t do what we want, we will unleash the CBI on them.
Sonia Gandhi: CBI?
Mayawati: Err… I mean the BCCI. Threaten them with the biggest body’s name.
Sonia Gandhi: Are you crazyr? We just got the IABF and IOA banned, with your ways BCCI will soon join the list too.
Sonia Gandhi (with a sigh): Looks like the onus is once again on you, Mulayam ji. Figure something out please.
Mulayam: Walk out. That’s the only way, Walk out. Ask the Indian team not to reach Eden tomorrow morning. No match at all. Problem solved.
Sonia Gandhi: That sounds good. But what will they tell the media? Do you have an excuse ready?
Mulayam: They can say that the match was getting so one sided, that it became anti-cricket. Way below the Indian team’s dignity to contribute to such a match.
Sonia Gandhi: Brilliant one there Mulayam ji. Kuch sikho inse Manmohanji! We have a solution ready beta, andar ajao.
Everyone turns towards the doors, from where a well-built 30 something man with a slightly wheatish complexion makes his way.
Sonia Gandhi: How do you like the solution Captain Cool?
MS Dhoni (With disapproval writ on his face, and in a cocktail of contempt and rage): PITCH PLEASE!!
The message of course was ambiguous and incomprehensible just like Dhoni’s captaincy and batting these days, forcing the meeting to an abrupt end just like his innings.
(Lokesh Bahety is a vocalist, guitarist, rapper, associate consultant, cricket buff & a lover of good humor. The above article has been reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/ which is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)