Home > Features > Humour >

Transcript: Indian politicians debate how to save the Test match against England

Transcript: Indian politicians debate how to save the Test match against England

Manmohan Singh (left) and Sonia Gandhi © PTI

Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
 
With a lead of almost 200 runs at the end of Day Three, with the Indian cricket team looking all but out of the game, help arrived from the highest quarters in the country as politicians cutting across parties and philosophies gathered for a national cause to brainstorm on how to save the day for India. 

Leading the charge was the Congress supremo Sonia Gandhi as she Arnab Goswamied the other party leaders in a panel discussion of sorts. 

Unreal Times brings you the transcript of the political pitching.

Sonia Gandhi: Okay folks, I have both good news and bad news.

Rahul Gandhi (jumps up and down clapping): Good news first, maa. Good news!

Sonia Gandhi: Yes, beta. For all of you who thought we sucked at our jobs and were good at nothing, the Indian cricket team has beaten us to it!

Applause and wolf whistles from senior politicians fill the hall

Sonia Gandhi: Sssssssh! Quiet, everyone. But the bad news is that the entire nation loves this dammed team, and so we need to get them out of the hole they have dug for themselves.

Shiv Sena leader (indignantly): They dug a hole?! Come on now, that’s our job!

Sonia Gandhi: Don’t get all literal on me here. I mean we need to help them save the Test match against England. So what do you guys suggest?

Mamata Banerjee: Rollback! Rollback the entire Test match. The peepul in Bengal are suffering with pain aphter watching this. This cricket series is anti-peepul.

Sonia Gandhi: Hmmm..Good idea, sister. But we don’t have enough sessions to get this passed. The MPs would take forever to debate this, and we only have two days left. Think of something else.

Mamata Banerjee: Think of something else? What do you mean? Are you a… (A furious Mamata Banerjee had to be escorted out of the meeting as she didn’t take the disapproval well)
Sonia Gandhi: I told you not to call her in the first place Manmohanji.

Manmohan Singh (head bowed apologetically)

Sonia Gandhi: Hey hole digger, what do you say?

Shiv Sena: Why don’t we book Alastair Cook under 66A for hurting our cricketing sentiments? No captain, no team, no game. Say what?

Kapil Sibal: That won’t work man. Had he put up a status update like ‘Woohoo!! Thrashed India’s arse today,’ I could have easily arrested him, but not without social media.

A voice from behind the curtains: You want me to expose him?

Sonia Gandhi: KEJRIWAL! What the hell are you doing here?

Arvind Kejriwal: Had a sit-in organised just outside this building. Overheard you, so decided to drop in.

Sonia Gandhi: Read the article’s title again, kid. It says ‘Politicians debate..’, not newbies debate.

(All real politicians present drown the hall with a mocking laugh. Kejriwal quietly leaves)

Sonia Gandhi: Expose, huh! Like our team hadn’t been stripped naked already. Anyways, concentrate guys.

Mayawati: Hey! I have an idea

Sonia Gandhi (frowning)Do you want me to invite you with a garland of notes to give the idea away now? Tell me what it is.

Mayawati: Let’s call the English team and tell them that if they don’t do what we want, we will unleash the CBI on them.

Sonia Gandhi: CBI?

Mayawati: Err… I mean the BCCI. Threaten them with the biggest body’s name.

Sonia Gandhi: Are you crazyr? We just got the IABF and IOA banned, with your ways BCCI will soon join the list too.

Sonia Gandhi (with a sigh)Looks like the onus is once again on you, Mulayam ji. Figure something out please.

Mulayam: Walk out. That’s the only way, Walk out. Ask the Indian team not to reach Eden tomorrow morning. No match at all. Problem solved.

Sonia Gandhi: That sounds good. But what will they tell the media? Do you have an excuse ready?

Mulayam: They can say that the match was getting so one sided, that it became anti-cricket. Way below the Indian team’s dignity to contribute to such a match.

Sonia Gandhi: Brilliant one there Mulayam ji. Kuch sikho inse Manmohanji! We have a solution ready beta, andar ajao.

Everyone turns towards the doors, from where a well-built 30 something man with a slightly wheatish complexion makes his way.

Sonia Gandhi: How do you like the solution Captain Cool?

MS Dhoni (With disapproval writ on his face, and in a cocktail of contempt and rage): PITCH PLEASE!!

The message of course was ambiguous and incomprehensible just like Dhoni’s captaincy and batting these days, forcing the meeting to an abrupt end just like his innings.

(Lokesh Bahety is a vocalist, guitarist, rapper, associate consultant, cricket buff & a lover of good humor. The above article has been reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/ which is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 6, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Galle

India tour of England 2014

Aug 7, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at Manchester

South Africa in Zimbabwe, 2014

Aug 9, 2014 (13:30 IST)   at Harare

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 14, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Colombo

India tour of England 2014

Aug 15, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at London

More

India tour of England 2014

Jul 27, 2014  at Southampton

England won by 266 runs

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 24, 2014  at Bulawayo

Afghanistan won by 100 runs

South Africa tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Jul 24, 2014  at Colombo

Match drawn

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 22, 2014  at Bulawayo

Afghanistan won by 2 wkts

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 20, 2014  at Bulawayo

Zimbabwe won by 8 wkts

Photos

India vs England 2014, 3rd Test

Videos

Highlights of Phil Hughes' double ton

5 things you need to know about Graham Thorpe

India vs England 2014, 4th Test at Old Trafford: Ajinkya Rahane needs to play decisive role

10 little-known facts about Sir Frank Worrell

Statistical analysis of Jacques Kallis’s ODI career

Australia England England vs India England vs India 2014 India India tour of England 2014 India vs England India vs England 2014 Jacques Kallis Jacques Kallis retirement James Anderson Moeen Ali South Africa

Ireland women cricket team to play South Africa in September

Ravindra Jadeja-James Anderson row: An indecisive verdict

India tour of England 2014: Moeen Ali is a rapidly emerging spinner, feels Peter Moores

Cameron White’s ton powers Australia A to 274/5 against India A in Quadrangular final

Perth Scorchers eye Graeme Smith for Big Bash League 2014-15

Waqar Younis’s presence will boost all departments, not just bowling: Mudassar Nazar

India tour of England, 2014: MS Dhoni should call up Umesh Yadav and Ravichandran Ashwin

India A vs Australia A 2014, final: Last chance for future stars to shine on tour

Gary Ballance — the headline writer’s dream and the correspondent’s nightmare

An open letter to Pankaj Singh

Fan of the Day

Niharika Shah

Niharika Shah

658 Posts | 6 Fans

Sachin Tendulkar's nine dismissals against James Anderson

Telly Producers reason out why Amitabh Bachchan’s Yudh failed to garner enough TRPs

Look Who’s Talking: Here is how Niranjan Iyengar would describe his guests in one-word each!

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here