Home > Features > Humour >

Virat Kohli approached to set new profanity record in Bollywood remake of ‘The Wolf of Wall Street’

Virat Kohli © Getty Images
Virat Kohli © Getty Images

By Ashwin Kumar

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

In a bid to beat the profanity record set by Martin Scorsese’s latest blockbuster, “The Wolf of Wall Street,” totalling over 500 utterances of the F-word, Bollywood has decided to rope in young cricket superstar Virat Kohli to reprise the role played by Leonardo Dicaprio. Directors Anurag Kashyap and Abhinay Deo, who directed the expletive-laden Gangs of Wasseypur and Delhi Belly respectively, are hoping that their combined efforts in addition to Kohli’s inherent verbal abuse would help them sail past the record effortlessly.

“We were initially thinking of Jackie Shroff, because he’s a seasoned actor himself and is quite the natural when it comes to foul mouthing. But we realized that Virat Kohli is really the quintessential abuser and no one can give maa-behen gaalis as impeccably as he does. So we decided that we had to approach Virat and only Virat for this role. The movie will be called The Wolf of Dalal Street and the official poster will have Virat redoing his act down under and will be seen gesturing away in full flow,” Kashyap said.

“Virat seemed very excited when we briefed him about the project and his first reaction was ‘Oye B***C***!’ Nothing could’ve have conveyed his excitement with greater precision than this. He’s requested us, well, he actually chided us and told us that he’d inform us of his decision after a few days, depending on the IPL [Indian Premier League] schedule. But it’s okay, we didn’t mind his abuse – it’s so great to see him already getting into the skin of his character,” Deo added.

Sources add that out-of-the-reckoning Indian cricketer Gautam Gambhir has been rather upset at not even being considered for the role, let alone selected. “Come on, yaar! I’m the baap of on field gaali-givers! Anyone who’s seen me blasting Afridi and Virat himself will accept that! If not cricket, I thought I’d stand a good chance in Bollywood at least, but that #!@^@#& has taken away even this from me!” Gambhir is supposed to have cried.

(Ashwin Kumar is a humorist with www.theunrealtimes.com where this article was originally published. The UnReal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal) 

South Africa tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Jul 24, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Colombo

India tour of England 2014

Jul 27, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at Southampton

Pakistan tour of Sri Lanka, 2014

Aug 6, 2014 (10:00 IST)   at Galle

India tour of England 2014

Aug 7, 2014 (15:30 IST)   at Manchester

South Africa in Zimbabwe, 2014

Aug 9, 2014 (13:30 IST)   at Harare

More

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 24, 2014  at Bulawayo

Afghanistan won by 100 runs

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 22, 2014  at Bulawayo

Afghanistan won by 2 wkts

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 20, 2014  at Bulawayo

Zimbabwe won by 8 wkts

Afghanistan tour of Zimbabwe, 2014

Jul 18, 2014  at Bulawayo

Zimbabwe won by 6 wkts

India tour of England 2014

Jul 17, 2014  at London

India won by 95 runs

Photos

Heroes of India's Test wins in England

Videos

Rahul Dravid reflects on India's historic win at Lord's

10 things you need to know about Zaheer Abbas

Sri Lanka vs South Africa 2nd Test at Colombo: Pride at stake for high-flying hosts

Mahela Jayawardene at SSC: A tale of 11 tons

Please help Graeme Pollock, cricket boards and franchises of the world

Cricket at Commonwealth Games and Olympics: Why not?

England England vs India England vs India 2014 India India tour of England 2014 India vs England India vs England 2014 Ishant Sharma MS Dhoni South Africa South Africa tour of Sri Lanka 2014 Sri Lanka Sri Lanka vs South Africa Sri Lanka vs South Africa 2014

VVS Laxman expresses disappointment over Sania Mirza controversy

Mahela Jayawardene: Enjoyed century against South Africa

Kane Richardson, Ben Cutting clinical in Australia A’s 6-wicket win over South Africa A

Bangladesh recall Imrul Kayes for West Indies tour

India vs England 3rd Test at Southampton: Ravichandran Ashwin should play, feels Saqlain Mushtaq

10 things you need to know about Zaheer Abbas

Sri Lanka vs South Africa 2nd Test at Colombo: Pride at stake for high-flying hosts

Mahela Jayawardene at SSC: A tale of 11 tons

Please help Graeme Pollock, cricket boards and franchises of the world

Cricket at Commonwealth Games and Olympics: Why not?

Fan of the Day

Fan Cricket

Fan Cricket

11 Posts | 2 Fans

Brazil vs Netherlands, 3rd place Fifa World Cup 2014 match Video Highlights

Syrian forces step up attacks on hospitals: UN

399 million users access Facebook every month only on their mobile phones, mobile ads account for 62 percent of overall ad revenues

VVS Laxman expresses disappointment over Sania Mirza controversy

Mobile services market in India to be $19.2 billion in 2014: Gartner

Mahela Jayawardene: Enjoyed century against South Africa

Expecting a baby? Here’s an app that will help!

UN officials highlight the rising trend of pharmaceutical misuse in India

Kick movie review: Salman Khan’s film delivers more than your expectation

Dutch sending police, want to secure MH17 crash site: PM

Commonwealth Games 2014 Medal Table: India 4th in medal Tally with 2 gold, 3 silver, 2 bronze

Also on cricketcountry.com

Play Fantasy Cricket & Win

Cash Daily! Click here