Virat Kohli © Getty Images
Virat Kohli was proud of the way Indian team lost narrowly to Pakistan © Getty Images

 

By CS Krishna

 

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction



Beleaguered stand-in skipper Virat Kohli said he is very proud of his boys for going down narrowly to arch-rivals to prolong a losing streak since the South African tour. Kohli claimed that the Indian team is doing its bit to win the hearts and minds of the cricket boards and public of other cricket nations to make up for the Board of Control for Cricket in India’s (BCCI) domineering ways which has fuelled a lot of resentment.

 

“Look, we are ambassadors of the game first and foremost,” Kohli said at the post-match press conference. “That means we need to exert India’s soft power, by giving non-Indian cricket fans moments to savour. Hate to use a Ravi Shashtri cliché, but in the end, cricket is the winner as a result of such gentlemanly and sporting behavior. The BCCI may be seen as a bully, but in contrast we are viewed as sweet, charitable people by others.”

Kohli said after the losses to South Africa and New Zealand, it was important to build bridges with Sri Lanka and Pakistan as well. “Did you check the social media to see what nice things Pakistani cricket fans were saying after the game? That is why more such sporting ties can bring our nations closer. In many ways, the Indian team’s approach to our Asian neighbors is an extension of the UPA’s [United Progressive Alliance] foreign policy,” the Delhi lad pointed out. “I hear the UPA government is doing a lot of humanitarian work in Afghanistan. The Indian team will try to complement that on the field as well,” the stand-in skipper noted about the team’s next match.

 

Kohli also sought to dispel the notion that he resorts to profanities on the field. “I actually say, ‘May God bless you, my dear’ and other such benign things to opponents. Just that I say it with such passion that some people misconstrue it.”

 

When asked about the heartburn of losing to Pakistan, Kohli turned philosophical. “It’s a zero sum game, yaar. Their joy is proportional to our grief so as whole there is no change. One way to cope with a narrow loss to Pakistan is to put yourself in the shoes of a Pakistani fan and vicariously partake in his ecstasy,” Kohli mused.

 

(CS Krishna, with Karthik Laxman, is the co-founder of www.theunrealtimes.com, where this article was originally published. The Unreal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal where Krishna and Karthik jointly write under the pseudonym of UnReal Mama)