Born on November 5, 2014, Virat Kohli is India’s crown prince of cricket. As the right-handed maverick turns 26 on Wednesday, the Central Government made a startling announcement: from this day onwards, November 5 will be celebrated as ‘Kohli Jayanti’ in honour of Kohli. David Sidrat has more.
Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction
Virat Kohli is as much a national treasure as Nimbu-Mirchi Totka, holy cows, and Rajinikanth. In view of this — and perhaps to take the heat off their black money reclamation fiasco — the Narendra Modi-led government decided to celebrate the birthday of everyone’s favourite “Cheeku” by naming it Kohli Jayanti.
In a press conference to announce the said festival, the government spokesperson said, “India is a young, progressive country that will soon conquer the world. We felt it was high time we had a festival that shows this quality. We thought since Kohli is a man who symbolises this new India, making his birthday a festival would be ideal.”
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When asked about what the carousing would entail, the spokesperson simply said, “The celebrations will be honest, loud, and full of unrestrained joy.” This is ironic, because Kohli has mellowed down significantly from the man who showed Sydney Cricket Ground (SCG) the middle finger and celebrated centuries by shouting expletives at everyone and no one in particular.
While Kohli himself was unavailable for comment, a few of his teammates and opponents had a lot to say. “He deserves it, maan. Hopefully his celebrations will be like the one I had last night. And day before yesterday. And the day before that,” said a visibly delighted Chris Gayle.
Legendary batsman Sachin Tendulkar said, “I actually knew about this in advance, which is why I scheduled my book launch for today. Since it will be like a holiday there could be more people clamouring for Playing it My Way.” It seems the idea of a Kohi Jayanti has gone down well with fans and supporters of the victorious Indian team. Of course, that will change if India’s tour to Australia is anything like their tour of England earlier this year.
(David Sidrat is the pen name of a would-be comedian who tries his best to be taken seriously and inadvertently fails in the process. He doesn’t quite see the irony of his life yet. He can’t figure out Twitter, and does not know what a Face Book is. He can therefore be found on neither platform)
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