By Nitin Raj Nigam
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
A major talent management group (Plan-Manage consulting) has announced that it will hold a Bollywood awards auction along with the Indian Premier League (IPL) auctions next year.
IM Chaudhary, MD of Plan-Manage, gave detailed explanation of the plans ahead in an exclusive chat:
Q: Tell us something about this new type of auction.
IM Chaudhary (IMC): The awards function industry has seen huge growth in recent times. Every weekend some awards function or the other is held. We have reached at a point where we have more awards than buyers. Not enough people are coming ahead to buy the awards. Add to that the cost of actors who are ready to perform at the award function and it becomes unviable for us. So we have to count our chickens before they hatch.
That’s why we came across this cookie-cutter solution of merging the award auction with IPL auctions. There is a lot in common when it comes to Bollywood and IPL; Bollywood tries to copy from Hollywood and IPL is direct rip off from English Premier League (EPL). Both involve have high drama. At every award functions, Karan Johar/Yash Raj camp ends up with the best movie trophies. Similarly, in IPL, Chennai Super Kings (CSK) ends up on the pedestal every time. The line between Bollywood movies and IPL has further blurred after movies ditched the scripts completely and IPL become scripted.
Q: But how would you fit in Bollywood awards between player auctions?
IMC: We are focusing on two strategies –
1. Related Items.
2. Combo Offers.
These days if you visit any website, it lists down the “Related articles”. If it is shopping website, it will list something like “Those who bought Double Cheese Pizza also bought Diet Coke”. It makes perfect sense and we will use it.
For example if some franchise owner buys Ravindra Jadeja, we will recommend him to buy Best Comedian Award also. They can then name any comedian among their Bollywood friends who will receive the award at our next awards function.
Similarly if anybody bids for Sourav Ganguly, we can ask him to think about sponsoring Lifetime Achievement Award. Those who bid for Shahid Afridi or Piyush Chawla will be presented with the option of buying Best Child artists male/female awards.
Coming on to the combo offers, typically some players are left unsold after auctions. We can make a combo deal. For example, if you buy Best Musician Award, you get Brett Lee free. If you buy best Dance Director, you get Shantakumaran Sreesanth free. Buy Best Scriptwriter and get Suresh Raina’s nephew free. Buy the award of Best Dialogue and get Virat Kohli free.
Q: But don’t you think people will be able to figure out that the awards are not genuine?
IMC: I am sure they already know it. Nobody loses their sleep if ‘Ek Tha Tiger’ wins best movie over ‘Kahaani’. People watch TV to see their favorite stars dance and sing in costly costumes. That happens during IPLs as well. We can make it happen during auctions too. And, yeah, if this works, we will start auctioning journalism awards too. Tell that to Faking News people.
(Nitin Raj Nigam writes under the pen name Shaitaan Khopdi. He tweets as @nitinrajnigam. The above post is republished with permission from www.fakingnews.com)
First Published: February 20, 2013, 9:46 am