Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
Just when we thought Duncan Fletcher’s days as the coach of the Indian cricket team might be numbered, the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) announced today that it will be sending the incumbent coach for a cosmetic surgery to make him look exactly like Gary Kirsten, under whom India won the 2011 ICC World Cup.
This is the latest endeavor from the cricketing board to motivate team India to come back from a string of losses in their own backyard.
Talking to Faking News, BCCI chief N Srinivasan said, “Booting someone out just because he is not able to perform or deliver his duties is not the solution. This is not part of our culture in India. Duncan may not be an Indian, but he is a human being. And everyone has the right to remain highly unimaginative and lethargic, as many of our cricket administrators are.”
“Appearances matter,” Srinivasan further argued. “A new haircut for Sachin helped him get his 100th international century, while Dhoni’s haircut after World Cup victory seems to have worked the other way. So we knew that the current problems in the Indian team needed solutions beyond haircuts, so we are going for facial restructuring of Duncan.”
The board had discussions with Gary Kirsten as well, and he was happy with the move. Kirsten, however, requested the BCCI to impose a contractual obligation on Duncan Fletcher that post surgery, he must not be found in the vicinity of his (Kirsten’s) house to avoid confusion.
Doctor Samuels in Australia will be heading the surgery. When contacted he said, “After studying Duncan’s file, it appears that for many years he has been holding his chin in a pensive posture and hasn’t moved much for most of the time. Due to this, his chin muscles have dissolved with his throat and neck muscles. We will need to work on that, plus get all the bacon and sausages out of his waist area. This is a challenging surgery, but I am confident about success.”
Sources say that Indian cricket team has welcomed the BCCI decision as they want Gary back. However, former selector Mohinder Amarnath has claimed that “cosmetic changes” are not going to work.
Srinivasan rejected Amarnath’s criticism, “Some people issue statements just to be in news.”
The board chief further informed that Fletcher has already boarded the flight for the surgery and a lookalike of him has already been called from Yorkshire to sit in the pavilion during the matches India will be playing in his absence.
(The above article has been reproduced with permission from www.fakingnews.com)
First Published: January 13, 2013, 11:59 am