Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
Responding to an appeal signed by bowlers of various nationalities, the International Cricket Council (ICC) has allowed use of performance-enhancing drugs by bowlers when bowling to Virender Sehwag. The governing body of cricket thought that it was in the interest of fairness and justice that the bowlers were given a level-playing field when pitted against Sehwag, else cricket could degenerate into a Sehwag’s game from a batsman’s game.
“We realised that while bowlers thought that they were playing against Sehwag, Sehwag thought that he was playing with the bowlers; it was getting too one-sided,” ICC chief Sharad Pawar told Faking News.
Pawar said that he had received an appeal by a group of bowlers on Friday, a day after Sehwag scored 219 runs in a One-Day International (ODI) against the West Indies. Bowlers allegedly said that they were traumatised to see the Indian batsman cross all the limits of decency and not show any respect to any bowler.
The appeal was signed by 32 bowlers of all nationalities, including Indian Premier League (IPL)-loving Indian bowlers, and was led by Shahid Afridi, who claimed that he saw the legs of West Indian bowlers trembling while facing Sehwag.
“Trembling legs while running up to bowl to a batsman like Sehwag can cause grievous injuries to the bowlers,” Pawar noted. “Hence we decided to allow them seek medical help. They had asked for performance-enhancing drugs, as nothing less than that could help them, to which we agreed after much deliberation.”
Sources tell Faking News that ICC allowed the use of performance-enhancing drugs to bowlers as Sehwag had tested positive for a rare drug during the dope test after his double century. A high level of Tendulkaroid, also known as the god steroid, was found in Sehwag’s blood samples.
“After hours of examination, the doctors concluded that it was a natural formation and Sehwag seems to be producing it of his own. He couldn’t have bought it as that drug is not available even with the shrewdest of the drug peddlers in Mexico,” our source informed. “Based on this information, the ICC decided to allow bowlers to take drugs so that they could match Sehwag.”
However, the ICC has put some conditions while using such drugs. The drugs can be taken by a maximum of two bowlers per team per innings and only after Virender Sehwag crosses 50 in a match. Umpires will keep these drugs in their pocket and bowlers can request injections before bowling to Sehwag.
The new rule will come into effect from the next match between West Indies and India at Chennai on Sunday. Sources tell Faking News that the West Indies bowlers are already practicing on drugs as Ravi Rampaul was seen moonwalking and singing, “Why this kolaveri di” in the hotel lawn, something experts believe was a side effect of some drug.
(Rahul Roushan, is a graduate from IIM Ahmedabad, who goes by the name of “Pagal Patrakar” (that’s “Crazy Journalist” in Hindi). Rahul says for him, “satire is an attempt to point out shortcomings or oddities in our society, ideally with a message and intent for betterment, in a non-hostile manner and without sounding overtly accusative or pontificating.” He is the Managing Editor of www.fakingnews.com from where the above article has been sourced with permission)