Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
In a bizarre turn of events after the thrilling T-20 encounter between India and New Zealand – which Mahendra Singh Dhoni once again managed to stretch to the last ball – the pitch blamed the Indian captain for the lndian loss.
“I am sick of Dhoni always blaming me and my brethren for being slow, and not behaving like he expects us to. Well mister, it’s you who is slow and not us,” barked the visibly enraged Chepauk strip.
Earlier during the presentation, Dhoni had tactfully said that the pitch had started holding up after his arrival at the centre, and had made scoring really difficult. Cricketing pundits were quick to rubbish his argument though. “Why doesn’t he learn from Kohli? He has been scoring consistently, both on and off the pitch,” they claimed.
Requiring 48 from 40, most Indian fans had started yawning in anticipation of a comfortable win, when Dhoni walked in. Leveraging his coveted calm and composure, Dhoni made sure the run rate crept up to ensure a thrilling finish. “Well, you know, we had planned for a last-ball finish just like the ones we had at IPL. But the script went slightly wrong. It used to be a lot easier with Chennai Super Kings, with Srinivasan Saar holding rehearsals with the opposition well before the match. It was shoddy management that cost us this game in the end,” revealed Dhoni, on conditions of anonymity!
With Dhoni holding one end up during the end overs, most Indian fans wished for his dismissal, but seeing Rohit Sharma padded up to come in next, confused prayers went out.
Sunil Gavaskar, however, could see no wrong in the Indian captain and congratulated him for his immaculate running between the wickets and the exquisite wrist work at display.
Veteran commentator Ravi Shastri summarised the proceedings in his inimitable style. “India got off to an electric start, and were dealing in boundaries. With the bowlers being taken to the cleaners, onw just got this feeling that they would give New Zealand the full monty. But when you thought India would throw in the kitchen sink, the match went down to the wire. Everyone knows who the real winner in the end was,” said Shastri in one breath, reeling out seven clichés in one go before giving only a teaser of his last one.
Times Now had a heated debate on the unbiased topic, “Why should Dhoni not squarely be blamed for the Indian loss, caused by his own incompetence?” paneled by relevant experts across domains. While Smriti Irani, lead of a popular soap opera, commended Dhoni for his role in infusing a great deal of masala in the match, T-20 specialist Joginder Sharma was critical of the bowlers not bowling enough long-hops and full tosses to entice Brendon McCullum into playing false shots.
Meanwhile, ACP Dhoble had been spotted with a hockey stick searching for the Chepauk strip for corrupting the moral fabric of our society. “It is a shame that the strip was open till midnight with thousands reveling in it. Even children were allowed inside the place! These people need to be dealt with, the hard way,” growled Dhoble, before being informed that Chepauk strip was not a strip bar but a cricket pitch.
(Lokesh Bahety is a vocalist, guitarist, rapper, associate consultant, cricket buff & a lover of good humor. With inputs from Prateep Das. Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)