By UnReal Mama
Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction
The Australians’ preparations for the third Test got a shot in the arm with management consultants from McKinsey replacing the four axed players in the Test squad.
Shane Watson, James Pattinson, Usman Khawaja and Mitchell Johnson were sacked for failing to turn in their three-point presentation on how they planned to add value to the team. The McKinsey consultants seized the opportunity to craft a fine PowerPoint deck, replete with spiffy graphics and mind-numbing jargon, on the strategy to become the No 1 Test team, which greatly impressed coach Mickey Arthur and captain Michael Clarke.
“I was completely floored with their presentation, although to be quite honest, I have no clue how to implement their suggestions. Never mind. I’ve also asked the McKinsey chaps to make another presentation on how we can regain the Ashes and one for Pup [Michael Clarke] on how he can become a transformational leader. I hope the rest of the boys emulate them and turn into fine cricketer-consultants,” revealed Mickey.
Ravi Shastri also almost made the cut after he sent his 3 ideas — flash and flash hard, give Bhajji the full monty, throw the kitchen sink at the rest — for countering India in Mohali.
“I liked his ideas but was disappointed with the plain vanilla nature of the presentation,” opined the Australian coach. “No framework, no graphics. After seeing the Mckinsey presentation, the leadership felt underwhelmed with Ravi’s clichés,” he noted.
Tailpiece: McKinsey’s bill for the presentation and subsequent two-month long engagement has pushed Cricket Australia into bankruptcy.
“Didn’t realise they are so expensive. Have requested the BCCI [Board of Control for Cricket in India] to bail us out,” said Cricket Australia CEO, James Sutherland, in a state of panic.
BCCI President, N Srinivasan, in turn has blasted Cricket Australia for their profligacy. “It’s bad enough that these chaps sack cricketers for failing to make PPT slides. Then they go and hire McKinsey. Heck man, even we can’t afford McKinsey!” he told The Unreal Times.
(“Unreal Mama” is the pen name under which CS Krishna (left) and Karthik Laxman (right), the founding editors of The Unreal Times (www.theunrealtimes.com), write fictional news reports, dressing room conversations and other such articles marrying humour with satire. The Unreal Times is India's favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)
The Michael Clarke-Mickey Arthur Bombshell
First Published: March 13, 2013, 11:04 am