Former Indian cricketer and ace commentator Ravi Shastri made a momentous announcement that has sent shock waves across the cricketing world from Kandy to Kingstown, Kanpur to Karachi, Kimberely to Kent. The legend disclosed that he has substituted his trademark cliché ‘that went like a tracer-bullet’, a phrase with which he has ‘regaled’ cricket lovers on innumerable occasions in the past, with ‘that went like Usain Bolt’ so as to sound cooler.
Shastri revealed this at a press conference convened in his Mumbai residence. The 1984 Champion of Champions began by screaming, “Mumbaiiiii… Jai Maharashtra!” to whistles and claps from the gathered audience.
“Well, good morning ladies and gentlemen, it was a fantastic race in which over 10,000 calories were burned, 12,456 muscles flexed, nine super-fast runs made, and in the end, it was fair to say that the entire homo sapien species was the winner.
And in honour of the man of the match Usain Bolt, I have decided to bid farewell to the ‘tracer-bullet’ and replace it with USAIN BOLT!” screamed the former left-arm spinner, before bursting into tears, overcome by the enormity of what he had just said.
The room went silent for a few moments as the significance of the message began to sink in. And then the floodgates burst open as the room drowned in thunderous applause at Shastri’s magnificent sporting gesture.
After wiping his tears and regaining his composure, Shastri continued, “It all happened when I saw Usain Bolt in action yesterday. When the race was about to begin, I told my wife, ‘Ritu, Bolt is out there in the middle, he’s a cool customer, loads of experience, he’ll take a few seconds to get his eye in, before giving it the full monty’. When the shot was fired, I said, ‘Bolt goes big, and he’s gone faster than a…’, but before I could get to the word tracer bullet, Bolt had actually crossed the finish line! I was paralyzed in deep shock and by the time I came out of it, Bolt was already celebrating.”
When The UnReal Times columnist Ashwin S Kumar asked Shastri in his own inimitable way, “Sir, but is it easy to switch to a new cliché? That would be as tough as a batsman attempting to change his basic batting technique, wouldn’t it?” the ace commentator replied, “Well, Ashwin, that’s a good point. But at the highest levels of commentary, one needs to constantly reinvent oneself and add new clichés to the repertoire to be able to maintain high standards of coolness.”
Cricket fans all over the world have been driven into shock and despair, with “RIP Tracerbullet” being the top trend on Twitter.
“WTH dude! This is like Sachin retiring! :’(
RIP Tracerbullet ”, “Today is a black day in the history of cricket!
RIP Tracerbullet! Congrats to Usain Bolt!”
“OMG! This is like Digvijay Singh saying that he won’t talk about the RSS anymore! Sad! :’(
Prime Minister Manmohan Singh too, was very distressed on hearing the news. The PMO’s official Twitter handle @PMOIndia tweeted,”The Prime Minister condoles the death of the tracerbullet and wishes Usain Bolt a long, cliched life in Ravi Shastri’s vocabulary.”
Shastri acknowledged the PM’s gesture, by tweeting, “Thank you, Prime Minister.”
NB: The above article is pure fiction.
(Ashwin Kumar is an untrained musician, singer, writer/blogger, satirist, T Rajendar (pseudo)-fanatic, mimic, passionate about stopping female foeticide)
(Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India.)