Indians reacted with joy after Viswanathan Anand clinched the World Chess title for a fifth time, but none more so than Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) President N Srinivasan, who promptly did a cartwheel and complimented his wife Mrs. Srinivasan by calling her a sexy home-maker as soon as The Unreal Times broke the news to him.
Srini has been in the throes of depression since Chennai Super King’s (CSK) shock defeat to Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) in the final, but Anand’s triumph has lifted his spirits.
“The last couple of days have been very difficult for me. People kept making snide remarks such as ‘you could get CSK into the final but you couldn’t prevent KKR from taking the trophy. And that too because of a dubious no-ball,” the cement baron said in an emotionally choked voice.
The subsequent over-the-top celebrations by Shahrukh Khan and Mamata Banerjee in Kolkata further riled Srinivasan, who took off to Tirupati to seek answers from his kuladeivam (family deity) for his team’s traumatic loss.
“During darshan, I asked Lord Balaji why he was playing with me like this. Have I not been an ardent devotee of his? Then why get CSK into the final in such a miraculous manner only to make them taste defeat even more miraculously? Then suddenly, a ladoo dropped from the Lord’s right hand and I instantly knew that He had something even better in store for me to compensate for CSK’s soul-crushing loss. Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that Anand’s win was part of the Lord’s grand plan,” he disclosed, tears of joy rolling down his cheeks.
Srinivasan is now planning a grand victory celebration for Anand on behalf of the BCCI and CSK for Anand in Chennai. When asked what he has to do with chess, Srinivasan thundered, “Dude, by that yardstick, what’s SRK got to do with Bengal or Mamta got to do with a club win? It is how you celebrate that’s important, not why you celebrate, thambi.”
The BCCI chief is also frenetically trying to rope in Tamil Nadu Chief Minister Jayalalitha for the ceremony. “If things go according to plan, Amma and I will dance to hit Tamil movie songs in Chennai’s jam-packed Chidambaram Stadium, after which I will kiss her on the forehead,” said Srinivasan in a soft tone.
(Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)