It has come to our attention that reports of Greg Chappell sharing his knowledge about Sachin Tendulkar’s weaknesses with the Australian team are true. The UnReal Times‘ Australian correspondent, Alana Rice, who incidentally dates a certain upcoming Australian cricket star, happened to be present at the time Chappell delivered the dressing room pep talk.
Following is the transcript of the discussion that transpired:
Boisterous and noisy scenes are witnessed in the Australian dressing room. The camaraderie is evident as players are seen laughing with/at each other, thoroughly enjoying themselves after a tough training session.
A sudden hush descends on the room, as players look around to find the source of the interruption. Greg Chappell stands at the door with an expression that could curdle the blood of the baddest guy in Australia. A shudder runs through the dressing room, as Chappell strides grandly to the centre of the room. There’s pin-drop silence, as the players watch the legend with their mouths open, dumbstruck with awe.
"Gentlemen,” Chappell announces sternly, “as you may well know, I have been invited by the Australian cricket board to prepare you for the upcoming series with India. I will start by telling you the one thing you must know to have any chance of winning this series – How to get Sachin Tendulkar out.”
There’s a collective, sharp intake of breath as players take this information in. Michael Clarke lets out a shrill scream before muffling it hurriedly with his palm, furtively looking to his left and right to check if anyone heard it.
“Yes, that’s right,” continues Chappell as he paces the room, the clicking sound of his boots echoing loudly in the room. “I am going to tell you something that no one in the entire world can claim to know.”
The bowlers murmur under their breath, trembling with excitement as they attempt to grapple with this revelation.
“Do you think it is his tendency to lean a bit too far while driving before he gets set?” murmurs Shane Watson to Clarke.
“Do you think it is his weakness against the incoming ball early in his innings?” whispers Johnson to Siddle.
“Even if it is, what are you gonna do about it, huh? You can’t swing a ball for nuts these days!” retorts Siddle.
“Silence!” Chappell’s voice cuts through the murmur like a whip. The players fall silent once again.
“The weakness in Sachin’s armour that I am about to reveal has its roots in his childhood. It took me months of painstaking research and years of work in India to discover this. Watch this clip carefully,” says Chappell, as he gestures to an assistant to turn on the projector.
The players watch attentively as an old Pepsi ad comes up on the screen. The ad shows Carl Hooper and Shane Warne messing around in a Pepsi store where they find a young Sachin Tendulkar on the floor in a zonked out state. Sniggering at Tendulkar’s short-term amnesia, they wheel him out to the airport to fly him out of the country, only for Tendulkar to leap out of his chair at the sight of the plane yelling “Aila plane!”
At this point, Chappell pauses the video.
"THIS IS IT, GUYS!” screams Chappell triumphantly. “This is the secret! The Little Master CANNOT resist airplanes. You arrange for an airplane to fly overhead when Tendulkar is batting, and he cannot help but look up and remark,‘Aila plane!’ With this insight, you can get him ten out of ten times!”
There’s a minute of silence as the players look at each other, utterly bewildered. After what appears to be an eternity, Ricky Ponting speaks out.
“Mate, are you shitting me?”
“Yeah Greg,” adds Clarke, emboldened, “this is bullshit. We tried this long back. We held an exhibition match near the Melbourne airport back in 2003. Sachin hit an unbeaten 145 and left poor Mitchell Johnson in tears.”
“Er..” Chappell struggles for words as the players angrily converge towards him.
Thinking quickly, Chappell blurts out, “Michael, Brad Haddin has 2.5 GB of Lara Bingle bikini pictures on his hard-drive.”
“WHAT?!?” Clarke turns abruptly towards Haddin. “IS THAT TRUE?”
“Uh… Watson gave it to me,” stammers Haddin, backing away.
Shrieking like a teenage girl, Clarke grabs Watson’s hair with one hand, and with the other grabs Haddin by his collar. The trio begin punching and scratching each other. Within a matter of minutes, the rest of the team has joined the scuffle.
In the melee, Chappell slowly slips away to the door, grinning from ear to ear, “He he, yet another dressing room falls to Gregger the wrecker!”
(Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)