Please note: This is a humorous piece – pure fiction.
While news television channels all over the world had a field day, thanks to an absolutely air-tight race between US Presidential candidates Barack Obama and Mitt Romney, The UnReal Times was blessed with none other than cricket commentating legend Ravi Shastri, who offered to report the US election fever exclusively for us in our studio, with columnist Ashwin Kumar.
The UnReal Times extends its heartfelt thanks and expresses its heartfelt appreciation to the professionalism of Ravi to meticulously cover the elections, despite allegedly being in the midst of a personal crisis.
Ravi Shastri (RS): Ladies and gentlemen, good morning and welcome to the US Presidential elections coverage with The UnReal Times. It’s a wonderful day for elections – bright sunshine, lush, green outfield. Good morning, Ashwin!
Ashwin Kumar (AK): Thank you, Ravi. Well, madness all over, isn’t it?
RS: Absolutely, Ashwin! The atmosphere is electric, the noise is deafening, the spectators are on their feet. Hoping to see a cracker of a contest.
AK: Very true, Ravi. So, what do you reckon - Barack or Mitt?
RS: Barack Obama is a cool customer, loads of experience. He has a lot of tricks up his sleeve. He knows exactly where the boundary lines are, whereas Romney’s new at the center. He’ll take his time to get his eye in.
AK: Hold on, Ravi, we have breaking news that Romney has made a sweep in over 4-5 states, which puts him on the lead. Right now, with us on call, none other than President Obama himself. Good evening, Mr. President !
Barack Obama (BO): Hello folks, how’re you all doing?
RS: Excellent, Barack! First of all, things haven’t been looking great on your side. What is the mood like in the party room?
BO: I’ve said before, that undoing previously caused damage doesn’t happen in a fortnight. It does take time and I’m sure it will happen in due course.
RS: Any changes in your side?
BO: Change is happening, and it should continue to and it will continue to. Yes, we can!
RS: Have a good one, Barack!
BO: Thanks, Ravi!
AK: He sounds confident, doesn’t he?
RS: Absolutely, Ashwin! So, change doing the trick here for Barack. He’s giving himself plenty of room and playing on the rise.
AK: Romney seems to have put on a slightly bad face after all his gaffes. What do you think?
RS: That’s where the experience comes in, Ashwin. Barack is using the face of the opponent, finding the gap, picking his spot and going the full monty.
(Obama calls back)
BO: What the hell was that? Are you trying to say I went naked?
RS: No Barack, I meant that you’ve taken Romney to the cleaners.
BO: What! I got him naked?
RS: Oh no! You’ve given him the kitchen sink!
BO: Good Lord, whatever that is!
RS: It’s just what the doctor ordered, Barack.
BO: Aaargh! I need to see a doctor! Bye!
AK: Going ahead, Ravi, so what do you think Barack has to do?
RS: He’s just got to play his natural game, Ashwin. But I feel one factor which could bring Romney closer to the masses is if he could travel by road or rail, unlike Barack, who loves to take the aerial route. Wonderful use of the feet!
AK: Excellent point, Ravi. We have more sets of results coming in. Obama’s closing in on Romney with victories in California, Chicago and other states.
RS: Ashwin, I just get the feeling that this one could go all the way down to the wire.
AK: Wow! More results and Obama has taken a marginal lead!
RS: Well, those states went to Obama’s court faster than a tracer bullet!
AK: Gosh! Romney’s fighting back – he’s won in Arizona, Louisana and more states! Well, Ravi, what do you say?
RS: Well, at this stage, all four results are possible.
AK: We have with us, none other than Republican candidate Mitt Romney. Hello, Mr Romney!
Mitt Romney (MR): Hello, folks! It feels great to be talking to the respected Times of India.
AK: Err… thank you, Sir. But we’re not The Times of India, we’re The UnReal Times, although they’re pretty good as us too, in providing news that never exists! Anyway, over to you, Ravi.
RS: Tough luck, MR?
MR: Too early to say that. I’m hoping to get support from the Indian community here. They’re a bunch of wonderful people.
RS: Excellent, MR! This leads me to another question: Have you tasted Indian curry?
Romney: (hangs up)
AK: Err… he disconnected at the speed of knots. Wow! Another state with close competition. Barack has the edge, whose victory will this state be?
RS: Edged … and taken!
AK: Another one coming up, this one looks like Obama all the way! He’s got it!
RS: Right in the blockhole!
AK: Here’s the final result ..and …OBAMA WINS!!!
RS: AND OHIO IS TAKEN!!! OBAMA IS THE NEXT PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES. The timing is exquisite. The end result the same… consecutive victories for Barack.
AK: Time for the presentation ceremony, Ravi.
RS: Ladies and gentlemen, it has been a fabulous day here for politics. Over 31 million votes, over 50 states have voted, over 365 days of non-stop campaigning and in the end, it is only fair to say …aaah screw this political sh*t ! The game of cricket is forever the winner!
(Walks out of the studio ..fade out )
(Ashwin Kumar is an untrained musician, singer, writer/blogger, satirist, T Rajendar (pseudo)-fanatic, mimic, passionate about stopping female foeticide)
(Reproduced with permission from http://www.theunrealtimes.com/. The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India.)