N Srinivasan

N Srinivasan, who was recently allowed to discharge his duties as the BCCI President by the Supreme Court, has written to CSA ahead of their meeting with Chris Nenzani in India © AFP

By Prakash Govindasreenivasan

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

In his first move as the re-elected President of the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI), N Srinivasan has issued an ultimatum to Cricket South Africa (CSA) via a list of key pointers on the eve of BCCI’s meeting with CSA’s president Chris Nenzani in India.

One part of the 51-page document was leaked to the media by a BCCI office bearer. The document is expected to ruffle a few feathers even before the meeting starts.

Here are a few leaked pointers from the list:

  •  In the wake of your decision to appoint Mr. Haroon Lorgat as your CEO, the media has been chasing us for quotes. We, as BCCI, have refused to comment. If you want the series to go on, stop behaving like a helpless victim and tell the media that the process to come up with a joint itinerary is under way. We don’t have to teach you this!

  • This series, if the talks are productive, will not be about the two teams. It will be about one Indian batsman It’s not important to name the batsman.

  •  Dale Steyn and Vernon Philander should be ‘rested’ for the series. You can tell the media that you are managing their work load to prevent burnout. This order request needs to be implemented for the Test series. Wait for our confirmation about the limited-overs series as well.

  •  Whenever a South African cricketer performs well, the commentators should hail the impact of the Indian Premier League (IPL) on his game. We are in scouting for new investors and praise from foreign will do the IPL good.

  •  It’s imperative that commentators, if they wish to hold on to their jobs, should refrain from making any comments related to retirements, captaincy, conflict of interest and Mr Lorgat’s relations with the BCCI.

  •  I [Srinivasan] need a few VVIP spot booked in both dressing rooms for a few of my touring family members, including my son-in-law. They’re all very enthusiastic about the game.

  • We have not decided the length of the series. We’ll play on till our main man gets a century and journalists around the world have written enough in his praise. So do not disclose the number of games to your media or ours at the moment.

  •  I, N Srinivasan, will be there at every presentation ceremony. If the crowd boos, they will not have international cricket for the next five years.

  • If you are contemplating use of Decision Review System (DRS) in the India-South Africa series, I suggest you don’t broach the topic. The answer is an emphatic “no”.

  • Commentators should also subtly praise India’s stance on DRS and claim how it has not been fool-proof in the Ashes 2013 series.

  • Ban journalists who try too hard to get to me [Srinivasan] and ask quotes about my re-election. Let’s face it, it is now in the past. Move on.

  •  Any responsibility handed to Lorgat should go through our expert panel headed by me first. You can fax us the details each time and we will get back to you promptly. The same applies for any move suggested by Mr Lorgat.

  •  We would like you to use your power to get Mr Lalit Modi banned from Twitter. If you can pull this off, I, as the President of BCCI, promise to hold more such future tours and even consider shifting next year’s IPL and CLT20 to South Africa.

The leaked document contained just 14 of the 124 points written down personally by Srinivasan as doubts over the possibility of the India-South Africa series was starting to gain momentum.  With this, BCCI have made it clear as to what it will take for the series to go on. For the moment, the ball seems to be in CSA’s court.

(Prakash Govindasreenivasan is a reporter with CricketCountry. His Twitter handle is @PrakashG_89)