Breaking News: BCCI to purchase Caribbean islands to unearth fast bowlers



Indian fans have long dreamt of the day when an Indian cricket team will dominate the opposition by virtue of possessing a pack of genuine pace bowlers that can strike fear in the hearts of batsmen. That dream might soon become reality if the BCCI has its way. Alarmed by Zaheer Khan’s observation that Indian bodies, climactic conditions and dietary habits are ill-suited for fast bowling, the BCCI is all set to purchase one or more of the sovereign island nations in the Caribbean archipelago, to ensure a regular supply of strong, athletic, 6 foot 6 something West Indians that can bowl over 150 mph for the national cricket team.


This move is reportedly based on the advice of Dennis Lillee, the former Australian Test cricketer and fast bowling legend, who after retirement became a consultant with the MRF Pace Foundation to groom Indian pace bowlers. “I am giving up, boss. It’s easier to prove Fermat’s last theorem than trying to develop Indian fast bowlers. I think you folks are better off in simply importing some West Indian blokes who don’t really need to be trained to bowl fast either,” an exasperated Lillee is believed to have remarked in frustration.


However, the BCCI took his observations rather seriously, and decided to conduct a feasibility study by sending a fact-finding team to the Caribbean islands. When the team returned with the insight that 20% of the Caribbean men in their 20s clocked a bowling speed higher than Ishant Sharma’s, and 2% of the Caribbean women in their 20s bowled faster than Munaf Patel, the BCCI top brass finalized the decision.


The BCCI is especially interested in the island nation of Antigua, a dwarf in terms of size – its entire population of 87,000 can be fitted into Kolkata’s Eden Gardens stadium – but a giant in terms of cricketing talent, having produced all time cricketing greats such as Viv Richards, Curtly Ambrose, Andy Roberts and Richie Richardson. BCCI treasury officials realized that rather than trying to contract West Indians for the Indian team, it’s far more convenient to simply purchase the Island nation outright considering that Antigua’s GDP is a fraction of BCCI’s annual revenues.


The takeover will be financed either entirely from BCCI’s cash reserves or through a mix of cash and stock options in IPL franchisees. After the takeover, Antigua will cease to be a sovereign nation and will instead become an associate member of the board like the Mumbai Cricket Association. The Antiguan Prime Minister will become the chief selector of the Antiguan zone, responsible for selecting 4 to 5 players while the rest will come from mainland India.


“Man, the simple expedient of adding extra 87,000 West Indians to the Indian population will exponentially boost the domestic cricketing base and make us the number 1 team in the world,” raved BCCI president, N Srinivasan. Cricketing pundits have admitted that the BCCI may have finally found the magic wand to render Team India invincible on foreign soil, especially the bouncy pitches of South Africa and Australia.


The BCCI will have to surmount some barriers though. Antiguan Prime Minister, Rambaba Bombasa, prefers that Antigua be awarded an IPL franchise in return for lending Antiguan fast bowlers to the national team. The Shiv Sena, on the other hand, is insisting that these blokes learn Marathi before they can call themselves ‘West’ Indians. BCCI must also ensure that Antiguans maintain a certain distance from Venkatesh Prasad, lest he begins to impart tips such as bowling five slow balls followed by a sixth even slower one.


(Reproduced with permission from The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)