It is believed that senior players in Kochi Tuskers Kerala requested S Sreesanth to demonstrate his passion for the team to persuade BCCI to retain the Kerala franchise © Getty Images
It is believed that senior players in Kochi Tuskers Kerala requested S Sreesanth to demonstrate his passion for the team to persuade BCCI to retain the Kerala franchise © Getty Images


It seems Shantakumaran Sreesanth’s passion isn’t enough for the Board of Control for Cricket in India (BCCI) to retain Kochi Tuskers Kerala in the Indian Premier League 2012. Despite repeated reminders, BCCI President N. Srinivasan and the other functionaries of the board finally gave up trying to recover the sum the Kochi franchises owed them, and decided to terminate the team.


Srinivasan summons some key players from the Kochi Tuskers for a meeting in his chamber and lets them know of the BCCI decision against their franchisee.


Srinivasan is sitting on a gigantic armchair with a huge mahogany table in front of him. Mahela Jayawardene, Brendon McCullum, Ravindra Jadeja, Parthiv Patel, Sreesanth and a few other local players are seen standing on the other side of the table, with the door at some distance behind them.


N. Srinivasan: Now guys, I am sure you know that your bosses have defaulted on a substantial sum of money. We have pretty much made up our minds to kick Kochi Tuskers out. It is my job to break the unfortunate news to you…


Brendon McCullum (desperately): No mate, please don’t do that. I have just purchased a six-bedroom villa with an attached spa inAuckland. I am counting on the IPL money to cover the mortgage. I’ll get screwed man!


Mahela Jayawardene (also desperate, but responds more classily): Mr. Srinivasan, please don’t do this. I was finally beginning to enjoy captaincy, not to mention the delicious aapam and beef curry in God’s own country.


N. Srinivasan: Hmm. Well, but rules are rules. They owe us about Rs 156 crores, which is a handful even for the BCCI.


Mahela Jayawardene (rhetorically): Mr. Srinivasan, who says the IPL is about the money? (pauses) Well, er… let me put it this way. (reverts to his rhetoric tone) The IPL is not just about the money. It is about dreams. Indian dreams. It is about the little Indian boy who always wanted to play professional cricket but couldn’t because there were just 11 spots. (stands up tall and raises his voice a notch higher). It is about commitment. It is about the Indian kid who gave up everything to put in 18 hours a day at cricket practice. (Stands up on his toes and raises his voice to a crescendo). And, most of all, it is about something which can never be measured or equaled by money. IT IS ABOUT PASSION.


(There is a brief silence in the room, punctuated only by the gasps of Jayawardene catching his breath)


N. Srinivasan: Wow! That was moving!


Brendon McCullum: Yeah, that was some good shit man. No wonder you are a better captain than me.


Mahela Jayawardene (still panting): Thank you guys.


N. Srinivasan: Tell you what, let one of the Indian youngsters say something that will demonstrate the passion you spoke about, and I’ll let Kochi stay.


(Jaywardene and McCullum look at each other, after which they gather the boys in a huddle out of Srinivasan’s earshot.)


Mahela Jayawardene: Now boys, one of you guys have to make a passionate pitch to the fat b***ard over there, or we can all say tata to the moolah. Now, who will make the pitch?


(Jaywardene looks around at the Indian players, his eyes stopping at each one of them, as he considers them all – except for Ravindra Jadeja – and finally zeroes in on Sreesanth.)


Mahela Jayawardene (looking at Sreesanth): How about you, Sree? You are surely the most passionate guy around here.


Brendon McCullum: Yeah, yeah, mate. You’re also a Mallu. Bring in that Mallu fervour and give it to the slimy bugger over there.


Mahela Jaywardene: Yeah, Sree. Come on man. Just imagine that you are bowling to MS Dhoni who has just hit you for three sixes, and you are all charged up to get him. Go, give it all man.


Sreesanth (meekly): Okay, skipper.


Sreesanth turns the other way, faces the door, and slowly walks away from the group, kissing one by one the four lockets he’s wearing, mutteringsomething all the time. He stops near the door, clenches his right fist for a second, unclenches it and pats down the air twice as if calming himself down. He then turns around and charges towards N. Srinivasan, stops within an inch of N. Srinivasan’s face, and lets loose a volley of abuse.

And the rest is history!


(Reproduced with permission from The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India)