Dhoni, Harbhajan, Yuvraj on what India needs to change around fortunes

The Ravi Shastri Formula... Indian team members on the beach, instead of the conventional nets, to have relaxed session ahead of the Perth Test. Here Ravichandran Ashwin (left), Gautam Gambhir (right) and Sachin Tendulkar (behind) implement the Ravi Shastri Success Formula.

By H Natarajan

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
 

Somebody said that the "Agneepath series" between India and Australia has turned into an "agony path series" for Team India. The team is now clutching at every straw to avoid the tour turning into tour drown under. Advice have been flying thick and fast as to what the team could possibly do to arrest it from becoming yet another nightmare.

Here are some of the suggestions:

Harbhajan Singh: The Indian team needs one quality, match-winning spinner – me!

Lalit Modi: There is nothing wrong with the team. What the team needs is a visionary to head the BCCI. And there is one man – me!

Kolkata cricket fans: India needs Sourav Dada to bolster the middle order and provide leadership as well.

Mohinder Amarnath: I think I need to step down as selector to make another comeback. If Brian Close and Bob Simpson can comeback at 45 and 41 years respectively and be successful, why can’t I who is fitter than most player in this Indian team? And don’t forget, I’m known for my comebacks. I’m just waiting to know the mind of that joker chairman of the selection committee before officially making my decision known.

Krishnamachari Srikkanth: There is nothing wrong with the team, I say. I told Dhoni, "Don’t worry da. I and Cheenu (BCCI chief N Srinivasan) are firmly behind you. You just say the Gayatri Japam and do your job of leading the side – even if only passively."

Rajiv Shukla: I’m going to get the heavyweights in the BCCI to use our clout and ask overseas teams to play their home matches in India. No, it’s not outrageous. If Pakistan can play their home matches away, why can’t Australia, England and South Africa? 

Shivlal Yadav: I think the BCCI heavyweights should get our curators to prepare pitches in Australia, England and South Africa when India tours so those countries. I guarantee you, the results will be different.

Yuvraj Singh: I think Deepika Padukone should ensnare Michael Clarke. She was with me and my game went down. She was with Ranbir Kapoor and his film flopped. She is now with Siddharth Mallya and Kingfisher is going belly up. If she really cares for Indian cricket, she should fall in love with Michael Clarke.

Ravi Shastri: I think the boys need to head to the beach. Not just that, I would say, Duncan Fletcher should organise the nets ahead of the Perth Test on the beach itself. Even during the course of the Test, once a batsman is out, he needs to head straight to the beach and join those dismissed or not playing the Test instead of getting tense watching the game. We can get local Indians to do the substitutes’ duty. The boys need beach, beach and beach. Let them do what I say and you’ll see the difference. And if you think the ball will not bounce off the wicket because of the sand, the problem can be taken care by matting wickets with a solid surface below. I agree with those who say that the body language of the Indian cricketers is sloppy. Give them the kind of drink I have during the drinks breaks and see the difference. My face is proof for all those who have seen me in the mornings in the commentary box.

Virat Kohli: I think we are subjected to undue pressure by these Aussies. I was just doing some mudra and the next thing I hear is that I will be censured for unacceptable behaviour.

Ishant Sharma: There is nothing wrong with the skills of Indian team members. If there is anything wrong it’s in the way our team members have been spelling their names. I tell you, if Sachin paaji were to change his name to Saaacheeen Tendroolkar he would have had 105 international centuries by now. What India needs is not Duncan Fletcher but my numerologist.

Navjot Singh Sidhu: Merely reading the Kamasutra cannot make you a great performer in the bed; you have to PERFORM, my friend! Merely hearing all the lectures of the team’s back-room technologists and scientists is no good if you cannot perform out in the middle - pun intended!

Sharad Pawar: If the Indian team is facing unprecedented trouble, it’s because one Singh slapped a good soul like me. Now all Singhs will have to bear the result of the bad Karma of one Singh. Yuvraj Singh is out, Harbhajan Singh is out and now Mahendra Singh (Dhoni) looks on the way out.

Kapil Sibal: I see a foreign hand in India’s misfortunes. And I don’t mind naming him - Mark Zuckerberg.

Anna Hazare: I want to assure the people of India that Team India’s problems will be solved once the BCCI comes under Lokpal. The BCCI AGM, Working Committee meetings, selection committee meetings and everything the Board does will be made transparent. If the BCCI does not respond positively to me on the matter, I will announce my next fast till an assurance is given that BCCI will be under Lokpal.

Dalai Lama: Somebody asked me if the Indian team in Australia is faring badly because of the hype and expectations around the hundredth century of one batsman… Who is this player? Never heard of him.

Poonam Pandey: If you want to see the upliftment of Indian cricketers, then the BCCI should allow me to strip nude in the Indian dressing room. I swear, the team members would be energized like never before!

Sunny Leone: Poonam Pandey is passé. Give me one-on-one sessions with the boys and you see how relaxed they are!

Mahendra Singh Dhoni: Come the next home series all be forgiven and forgotten. Well, obviously, the batsmen will get tons of runs, our bowlers will reap a rich harvest and we will take the Mickey out of the opposition. We are playing mostly at home in 2012 after the tour of Australia. All I can say is to borrow a quote from Three Idiots, "All is well!"

(H Natarajan, formerly All India Deputy Sports Editor of the Indian Express and Senior Editor with Cricinfo/Wisden, is the Executive Editor of CricketCountry.com. A prolific writer, he has written for many of the biggest newspapers, magazines and websites all over the world. A great believer in the power of social media, he can be followed on Facebook at facebook.com/H.Natarajan and on Twitter at http://twitter.com/#!/hnatarajan)