How the present crisis in Australian cricket could have been avoided!

Photoshopped by Jyoti Desale.

By Benjamin Prabhu
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction 

I was wondering on Monday morning how slowly time passes by while one waits for the next cricket match featuring the Indian team. Then, without warning, the cricket universe erupted over the axing of four Australian cricketers. The four players had failed to submit an assignment to coach Mickey Arthur within the set deadline. The coach “wanted three points from each of them [players] technically, mentally and team as to how we were going to get back over the next couple of games, how we were going to get ourselves back into the series.” 

Predictably, Twitter and Facebook had a field day mercilessly mocking Mickey Arthur and the Australian team. It seemed like an over-reaction from a frazzled team management in the middle of an important series gone terribly wrong.

A day later, mockery has given way to a more pragmatic understanding of the situation. The punishment may have been harsh, but it does seem like a reasonable request from the coach and captain to provide individual input on how things can change for the better. After all, how hard is it to come up with a minimum of three pointers on how to improve the Australian performance? Especially, since they had five days to come up with it! 

Here are some of my suggestions, if the four players had the foresight to outsource their assignment to social media:

1.    Ask for bouncy pitches.
2.    Get laughed at.
3.    Tell the opposition we’ll see them in Australia.
1.    Bowl in the right areas.
2.    Execute our skills.
3.    Listen less to Ravi Shastri’s commentary.
1.    Bat better.
2.    Bowl better.
3.    Field better.
1.    Ask Cheteshwar Pujara what he has for breakfast.
2.    Ask the Indian spinners for tips on how to play them.
3.    Ask Ravindra Jadeja for fielding tips.
1.    Eat.
2.    Pray.
3.    Love.
1.    Get a better coach.
2.    Ha ha. I was kidding. I meant “coach” as in bus!
3.    Pack my bags.
1.    Fewer presentations.
2.    More net practice.
3.    Pack my bags.
1.    Bat like Michael Clarke.
2.    Bowl like James Pattinson.
3.    Field like Dave Warner.
1.    Don’t bat like Phil Hughes.
2.    Don’t bowl like Glenn Maxwell.
3.    Don’t field like Ed Cowan.
1.    Import batsmen from South Africa.
2.    Import spinners from Pakistan.
3.    Import coach from Zimbabwe.
4.    (bonus) Pack my bags.

(The writings of Benjamin Prabhu (Benny, aka tracer007) are products of a fanatical cricketing mind for over a decade and a half. After a brief stint in school cricket in the 90s, he decided that chasing a red ball around a field in white flannels as a substitute fielder was not really getting him anywhere. He subsequently entered medical school, where he spent half the time learning how not to kill a patient and the rest of the time, sharing his opinions about the state of international cricket to people who had no idea of what he was talking about. Since graduation, he is living in the US, where he chanced upon the world of cricket blogging; and in an instant, an idea to start a cricket blog shot through his brain ‘like a tracer bullet’ and (likeatracerbullet) was born)