Humour: Virender Sehwag's 'Bol Bachchan' lingo drives media crazy

Bhai waah, Viru paaji! Virender Sehwag can’t stop laughing after making monkeys of the hotel staff and the media in Ajay Devgn style in Bol Bachchan! © Getty Images

By Amrut Thobbi

 

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

 

On a Wednesday morning, a press conference was called by Virender Sehwag in Chennai where the Indian team was practicing ahead of its tour of Sri Lanka. The impromptu announcement made the speculative Indian media draw all kinds of conclusions, with one TV channel saying that the batsman would be quitting international cricket after the tour of Sri Lanka!

 

Meanwhile, the Nawab of Najafgarh woke up yawning on a lazy morning in a hotel suite close to the Chidambaram Stadium. Finishing his morning routine, the batsman called room service for breakfast.

 

“This is Room 2219. I would like to order some fresh phools and fruitables to eat,” he told the person at the other end. Sehwag is greeted by a prolonged silence at the other end – so we get to understand. Obviously, the person who took the call is stunned by the bizarre lingo.

 

Sometime later, a hotel staff arrives to clean his room. “Ahh, What a lovely day!” he tells the boy. “Please open the windows and let the air force come in!”

 

“Sir, I am sorry. I don’t quite understand your request,” the poor boy, bamboozled by the verbal attyachar, responds politely.

 

Sehwag responds strong strongly: “Ehh, don’t rotate my head.. Mera sar matt phira. Sunrise ho ya Sunfall, five-star package service always.”

 

The waiter has no answer – much like the many bowlers who have at been at the receiving end of Sehwag. He shrugs and turns around to leave.

 

“Wait,” Sehwag stops the waiter as he is about to leave.

 

“Are you married?”

 

“Yes sir.”

 

“Do you have children?”

 

“Yes sir. Two daughters”

 

“Are both of them girls?”

 

The waiter does not how to react and chooses to leave with a puzzled look on his face.

 

Sehwag now gets ready and arrives for his much-awaited press conference. His body language exactly the same as it is when he walks out in the middle to bat – one that says that he is going to make monkey of the opposition.

 

The media has no idea what is in store ahead!

 

After a prolonged silence, a senior journalist asks Sehwag: “Viru, may we know the reason for calling this media conference?”

 

Even before he could reply, more queries are fired at Sehwag from the typical impatient media.

 

“Are you planning to retire,” someone queries from one corner of the room.

 

“Are you injured and decided to pull out of the Sri Lanka tour?” booms a voice from another corner.

 

Sehwag finally loses his cool and yells, “Pest control yourself, press! Aata majhi satakli ahe. Now mine has moved. I am here to clear confusion on my so-called estranged relations with captain MS Dhoni on the Australian tour. Yes, we did yell at each other, fought and even arm-wrestled on that tour. So what if he is the captain? Even my aim was to improve team’s performance Down Under. I am senior to him. When elder gets cosy, younger don’t put nosy.”

 

Someone wisely decided to ask a innocuous question to bring down the rising temperature. The pressman asked what advice he would give to youngsters.

 

Sehwag’s reply came in a flash: “Eat lots and lots of akroor, tighten your langot and bat on concrete pitch. No pain. No gain.”

 

The Indian opener then shared some secrets of fitness. “Early to double bed and early to wake up fast makes a male mard hatta khatta and over smart.’.

 

Staying on fitness topic, when one reporter quizzed the cricketer on India’s inability to produce good fast bowlers due to dismal fitness standards, Sehwag countered him by saying: “Look at Umesh Yadav. Built like Dennis Lillee, he can todofy dushman ki nalli. India always wanted an express bowler and here he is. Bagal mein chora aur sheher main dhindora. Boy under armpit and hyper-city noise pollution.”

 

The normally aggressive Sehwag became quiet to one of the questions on his opening partner Gautam Gambhir.  Sehwag was asked to comment on his Delhi-mate’s Indian Premier League (IPL) triumph as a captain. To which, Sehwag replied,” Gambhir in English means tense, but the Gambhir on a cricket field signifies happiness. That night, I congratulated my friend on phone – ‘Gauti, tujhe jeette hue dekh kar meri chhati aur bhi chaudi ho gayi hai; my chest has become a blouse.”

 

As the conference was nearing its end, the media personnel could hear muffled laughter at the opposite end of the room. Suddenly the laughter became loud. It was Bollywood director Rohit Shetty gasping for breath. Controlling his belly laughter, Rohit came to where Sehwag was sitting and took the mike: “Sorry folks. Actually all of you have been trolled. You have all been made bakras! Viru was just auditioning for Bol Bacchan Part 2 for the role of Prithviraj Raghuvanshi as Ajay Devgn is unavailable to play the role in the sequel.”

 

The fuming media could not believe what they heard. Some of them got angry and attacked Rohit by throwing fruits at him.

 

Meanwhile in his bindaas mood, Sehwag ran his finger across the director’s forehead to taste the pineapple.

 

The “budding actor” then decided to sum up the adventurous conference by making a delicious announcement, “Na pine hai na apple, phir bhi pineapple!”

 

There is no doubt in my mind that Bol Bachchan Part 2 will be smash hit with Virender Sehwag in the lead!

 

NB: The above article is pure fiction.

 

(Amrut Thobbi, an engineering graduate now pursuing Masters in journalism, is an ardent cricket fan who likes to write spoofs, like the one above. His passion for writing inspired him to give up a sales and marketing job, which he does not regret. By writing on cricket, he wants to relive his dream of becoming a cricketer. He has also worked as a freelance writer in education and technology sectors)