© PTI
Marlon Samuels could be the subject of a suspect batting follow-through © PTI

By Suvajit Mustafi

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

The International Cricket Council’s (ICC) recent crackdown on chucking has upset fans and officials all around the world. However, post the Champions League T20 (CLT20) 2014, Indian skipper MS Dhoni and team director Ravi Shastri came out in full support of this decision.

Till very recently, Shastri used all his patented adjectives to describe the class of Sunil Narine, but now with the ICC World Cup 2015 nears — and with no more BCCI global events before that — it really doesn’t matter if eyeballs follow other teams. And rightly so as this is what the doctor would have ordered.

According to our sources, India’s heavy defeat in the first ODI in Kochi has not gone well with ICC (or BCCI, whatever is easier for you to pronounce), as they feel the hosts were wronged due to the unfavourable situations. Such was the disappointment that watching the game from the floodlights, even the local boy and a Dhoni critic, Sreesanth, shed a tear drop.

In an urgent meeting post the first ODI, ICC discussed some grave issues which, like chucking, are serious concerns and provide the opposite team an unfair advantage. A source not wished to be named spoke to us.

On Marlon Samuels

“Last time he scored that against India, he took out that red handkerchief in Vizag. This was Kochi and the same gesture here could have won him accolades from the Kerala state government. Anyways talking cricket, Samuels has a suspect batting follow through which should be immediately corrected in our new lab in Papua New Guinea.”

On West Indies Captain Dwayne Bravo

“In fact, both Dwaynes, Bravo and Smith, shall not be consistent performers while playing against CSK players. This should go down as severe conflict of interest. It is like ambush marketing.”

On Denesh Ramdin

“Ramdin has been chasing balls to boundaries. Should a keeper do it? Is it a Kingfisher fair play? With IPL we could have docked points but now we are pondering over a new law restricting keepers to do that, if they do they be penalized by keeping without gloves.”

On West Indies list of all-rounders

“No team shall have batting till No 9. And you blame us for batting pitches! West Indies have their unending list of all-rounders. This is not fair, and a penalty to be imposed — double batting and 20 overs for the opposition all-rounder. The recently-knighted Sir Ravindra Jadeja in this case.

And if the offence is repeated twice, then Darren Sammy shall bat left handed and be barred from playing the reverse sweep.”

Any other corrective measures

“Umpires will use a custom-made protractor and compass by Camlin, soon to be signed as our Official Measurement Sponsors. Also Suleiman Benn should be monitored. He should be banned from bowling at batsmen below 5 feet 6 inches because any ball delivered from a nine feet height gives the bowler undue advantage.”

West Indies board problem

BCCI plans to bail them out and pay their deserving salaries. With that happening, the West Indies team will henceforth play for BCCI.”

As rightly said by the source, ahead of the World Cup, these issues must be seriously addressed to ensure an even playing field for all the teams. The Indian Captain and the Team Director will surely agree to these, with the coach looking on blankly and the ICC signing the seal.

Complete coverage of India vs West Indies 2014

(Suvajit Mustafi consumes cricket for lunch, fiction for dinner and munches numerous other snacks throughout the day. Yes, a jack of several trades, all Suvajit dreamt of was being India’s World Cup winning skipper but ended up being a sports writer, author, screenwriter, director, copywriter, graphic designer, sports marketer, strategist, entrepreneur,  philosopher and traveller. Donning so many hats, it’s cricket which gives him the ultimate high and where he find solace.)