Pakistan Cricket Board appoints Brock Lesnar as consultant to beat India in the next World Cup

After suffering yet another loss to India in a World Cup, thus making it 11 on the trot, the Pakistan Cricket Team seems to have had enough. “Desperate times, desperate measures” looks like the new motto of their cricket board, which has now appointed WWE superstar Brock Lesnar their coach, in a last-ditch effort to end India’s winning streak in their next World Cup encounter.

“After having ended The Undertaker’s 21-year winning streak in Wrestle Mania, we feel that Brock Lesnar is the right man for us. Only he can help us put an end to our unstoppable arch-rivals. We’ve already sent him our offer letter. I’m confident that,Inshallah, you’ll convince him to accept it. Please do the needful,” Pakistan PM Nawaz Sharif wrote to UN Secretary General Ban-Ki-Moon. Pakistan coach Waqar Younis mentioned that Lesnar would be a great addition to the unit. According to Younis, there should be a quick synergy between him and team. “Lesnar has spent many years in the WWE, which is about fixed matches for entertainment. Given our country’s players’ history of being involved in such stuff, they should be getting along quite well,” Younis added.

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While the man himself is yet to sign the dotted line, Lesnar has already started spending time with the Pakistan team. “Well, it’s interesting. As far as their attitude is concerned, they really don’t need much work. As it is, they simply keep on saying ‘the boys played well, the boys played well,’ even if they’ve just been smashed for 500 by Chris Gayle. So there’s no worry as far as being positive goes. Plus they’re being led by a really young and dynamic captain in Shahid Afridi. It’s just the drive that needs to get better. 1 thing I’ve already told Afridi is that he needs to stop thinking that he has age on his side. I’ve asked him to assume that he’s 36 years old and that the next world cup encounter would be his last with no further retirement rollbacks that he’s famous for. That’ll push him to give his best shot,” the WWE superstar told The UnReal Times, adding that he’d cross the border some day to access our website.

The Pakistani Indian media has been going ga-ga over the appointment, with Lesnar already earning himself invites to a slew of summits, conclaves and LitFests organized by various news outlets. “And they have to deal with Lesnar’s boys next,” wrote the Indian Express, while India Today went with, “Golden chance for Pak to finally humiliate India. No confirmation on whether Lesnar is anti-national.”

Meanwhile, Pakistan seems to be leaving no stone unturned in upping their ante against India for the next world cup. The team has also reached out to Oscar winner Leonardo DiCaprio, to help them overcome their long wait. BJP senior leader LK Advani too, has offered to motivate the team. “It is after all, my birthplace and the land of my very secular friend, Jinnah bhai. With all my experience of decades of waiting, I will do whatever I can in advising their cricketers on patience and hope,” the Margdarshak Mandal leader added.

However, in what could be a new crisis for the team, Lesnar has already arranged for a meeting with WWE chairman Vince McMahon and Mohammad Irfan. “At 7’1″, he could easily be an Undertaker replacement whenever the dead man isn’t available,” McMahon apparently said.

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

(Ashwin Kumar is a humorist with www.theunrealtimes.com where this article was originally published. The UnReal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)