Ravi Shastri attacked by cow vigilantes after his “cow corner” clichés anger them

In another incident of cow vigilantism, former Indian cricketer and ace commentator Ravi Shastri was attacked by a group of self-styled gau rakshaksat the Wankhede stadium in Mumbai yesterday.

According to sources, Ravi was watching a local cricket match at Mumbai’s Azad maidan, simultaneously keeping a running commentary going for the benefit of onlookers around him. Shastri got increasingly excited as the batsman at a crease began to hit the bowlers for fours and sixes, particularly in the region between mid-wicket and long-on, and started reeling out a bunch of Shastri-isms. Also Read: In Pictures: Which Bollywood actors would play these cricketers in their biopics?

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“That flew to the cow corner like a tracer bullet!… He’s peppering the cow corner!…“He’s attacking the cow corner like nobody’s business!” exulted Shastri, While most onlookers simply moved away from Shastri, a handful of men in saffron didn’t. Instead, they walked towards Shastri with menacing expressions and proceeded to rain blows on him.

“THIS IS NOT WHAT THE DOCTOR ORDERED!” Ravi Shastri was heard screaming as he took off with four gau rakshaks in hot pursuit.

News of this incident hit social media and quickly went viral. However, unlike other incidents featuring cow vigilantes, non-BJP parties and liberals haven’t been as full-throated in their condemnation this time.

“Acha hua saale ke saath! [The bugger deserves it!] About time too! I am so sick of his clichés!” exclaimed Congress leader Mallikarjun Kharge, before being nudged by an aide. “Er, I mean, this is yet another incident that proves that under this Modi government, cows have become more important than human beings. We condemn this and demand a ban on such cow protection groups,” Kharge added a trifle reluctantly.

“Condemn cow vigilantism in all forms, but should Shastri needlessly provoke with his clichés?” tweeted Rajdeep Sardesai.

Even cricketers, who normally don’t speak about such things, weighed in. Skipper Virat Kohli said, “I hope Shastri doesn’t use these cliches when I’m batting. Marwayega, BC! [He’ll get us killed]”

The only one who has been consistent is PM Modi, who maintained a studied silence on this incident as well.

(Based on an idea by Ankit Iconoclast)

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

(Originally published in UnRealtimes, “Unreal Mama” is the pen name of CS Krishna & Karthik Laxman, founding editors of the site which is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)