Ravindra Jadeja knighted by her majesty Queen Elizabeth II

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

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Though Ishant Sharma emerged as the man of the final day’s play on Monday, it was Ravindra Jadeja’s swashbuckling half-century that tilted the balance in favour of India on Sunday. Jadeja’s courage in adversity won royal approval when Her Majesty, in an unprecedented move, conferred knighthood on Jadeja in a late-night ceremony yesterday. David Sidrat looks at the man who won over the Queen with his sword-like strokeplay.

Ravindra Jadeja has been called many things over the course of his illustrious career. “Rockstar”. “Bapu”. “Jaddu”. “ThatBlokeWhoReplacedPragyanOjha”. But what gave him global fame was the prefix ‘Sir’ before his name.

It all started with an amendment to his Wikipedia page. Some mischievous soul with mockery on his mind edited his page so that it read “Sir” Ravindra Jadeja. Now, he must have thought that it was an intellectual and subtle way of ridiculing the man who was awarded a perceived un-earned Test call-up.

However, the undesirable element reckoned without MS Dhoni; that wit-filled mastermind who revels in the sacred act of trolling. It was Dhoni who gave Jadeja the same valuable advice that Tyrion Lannister would years later give to Jon Snow (no, not the cricketer): “Never forget what you are. The rest of the world will not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be used to hurt you.”

And boy, did Jadeja listen to him! He adopted the title ‘Sir,’ and wore it proudly. He even briefly rose to the top echelons of the One-Day International (ODI) bowling rankings. He also became one of India’s key bowlers, and India’s No 1 overseas spinner.

However, batting glory at the highest level still evaded him. All that changed in the second Test at Lord’s. After being under the pump because of the whole James Anderson Pushgate Controversy, and failing to make his usual impact with the ball, Jadeja finally had his moment of glory in India’s second innings with a knock of 68 off 57 balls.

For the first time in the history of Lord’s, a man who had not got a century at Lord’s impressed the queen enough to make her ask the MCC to put his name on the Lord’s honours board. A source very close to the Queen said, “Her grace was so impressed with that chappy Jadeja, she asked Gatt [Mike Gatting] to put his name on the honours board.”

But that was not all. No, her majesty was so utterly bedazzled by Jadeja’s mesmerising celebration — he swished his bat in a manner reminiscent of Captain Jack Sparrow at his absolute swashbuckling best — that she decided that Jadeja actually deserved to be Sir Jadeja.

“Yes, her Grace mentioned that watching Jadeja’s celebrations reminded her of the stories she had heard about King Arthur and Lancelot. She was very eager to knight him. With swordplay like that, he will make for a far more effective guard than those James Bond-like blokes,” said the same source.

Jadeja was knighted by the Queen after the post-match presentation at a private ceremony attended by some of England’s most distinguished dignitaries like Julie Andrews, David Tennant, Benedict Cumberbatch, Harry Styles, Daniel Radcliffe, Simon Cowell, Kevin Pietersen, Rowan Atkinson, Paul McCartney and Wayne Rooney.

India won the match after Ishant Sharma’s dream spell, but a senior player confided that it was Sir Jadeja who coached him. “Sir Jaddu made Ishant practice the short ball over and over. The moment he bowled one full, Sir swished and swatted his bat to teach Ishant a lesson!” It is truly down to the elegance and étinceler of “Sir” Jadeja that India have gone 1-0 up in the series.

Complete coverage of India’s tour of England 2014

(David Sidrat is the pen name of a would-be comedian who tries his best to be taken seriously and inadvertently fails in the process. He doesn’t quite see the irony of his life yet. He can’t figure out Twitter, and does not know what a Face Book is. He can therefore be found on neither platform)