Satire: Cambridge chemist's shocking revelations about Shahid Afridi's age!

Shahid Afridi triumphantly puts his hands up after the electronic scoreboard reveals the findings of the Cambridge chemist © Getty Images

Stephen Rocking, the well-known Cambridge-based physical chemist, has used reliable radio-carbon dating technology to establish Shahid Afridi’s age with scientific precision. Rocking concluded that Afridi’s real age is 19 years, four months, 22 days, and 17 hours.

While there is no disputing the veracity of the claim, it has nevertheless raised eyebrows in cricketing circles since it implies that Shahid was a three year old toddler when he debuted against Kenya on October 2, 1996.

Shahid’s father, Rahat Afridi, profusely thanked the Cambridge physical chemist for decisively ending the ambiguity surrounding his son’s age.  “I have always maintained that Lala is not a day older than 19. You see, the boy has never looked or behaved his age to begin with. Just minutes after his birth, he chewed up a cricket ball placed next to his crèche. He then crawled over to the adjacent cricket ground near the Khyber Pass to partake in an inter-school match and tonked a few sixes, one of which took the red cherry all the way to Kabul, nearly triggering a border skirmish. That’s when we realised that the lad is gifted beyond his years, a veritable cricketing prodigy,” revealed senior Afridi with pride.

Afridi’s cricketing abilities rapidly improved within days of his birth, according to the Afridis. He was bowling conventional leg-breaks when he was 10 days old and had mastered the googly a few days before his first birth anniversary. A few months later he broke into the under-19 junior cricket team and burst onto the radar screen of Pakistani national selectors. The rest is history.

Afridi has finally gotten around to filling out his date of birth on his driving license, passport and other documents (the Date of birth field had been left blank till now). Pundits have pointed out that the flamboyant all-rounder can actually look forward to an equally illustrious follow-on career after hanging up his cricketing shoes. The Pakistani all-rounder nurses ambitions of joining the artillery corps in the Pakistan army after retiring from international cricket, now that he has a proper birth certificate and will not have to deal with unseemly date of birth controversies, especially if he goes on to become the Pakistan Army Chief.

However, after The Unreal Times informed Afridi about the possibility of taking up a lucrative professional career in baseball,  where every ball needs to be hit out of the ball park and there is no concept of defense, the excited Pathan quit the Pakistan team and flew to the United States to try out for the New York Yankees, the world’s top baseball team. Impressed with Afridi’s super-human abilities (one of Afridi’s hits went out of the stadium in Manhattan and landed in the Atlantic Ocean), the New York Yankees snapped him up with a multi-million dollar deal that eclipses IPL bids.

Alas, the mercurial Pathan again changed his mind and quit the team to fly back to Bangladesh after he was informed that baseball rules don’t permit pitchers to bowl leg- breaks and googlies, not even flippers.

“What a dumb game this baseball is, yaar. Even Test cricket is far better. These baseball guys don’t have large hearts, I’m afraid,” Afridi later told his team-mates during net practice, recounting his brief dalliance with cricket’s poor cousin.


(Reproduced with permission from The UnReal Times is one of the top websites for satire, spoof, parody and humour in India.)