Virat Kohli and Gautam Gambhir make Raghu and Rajeev weep; replace them for ‘Roadies’ auditions
Twins Raghu and Rajeev (above) looked dazed after facing the tempest of Virat Kohli and Gautam Gambhir.
By Vish Hariharan
Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
In a rather expected development, the two angry young men of Indian cricket, Virat Kohli and Gautam Gambhir are all set to replace the dynamic duo of Raghu and Rajeev on Roadies — the popular reality show on MTV. The producers confirmed this much-anticipated move and said it would revive the sagging viewership numbers of the show and most importantly add more to the learning and development of the youngsters in the country watching the show.
The trigger for their selection was the rather ugly and infamous, on-field spat recently between Kohli and Gambhir. The producers of Roadies said that they were quite bored with the monotonous rant by Raghu and Rajeev — apparently, some of their predictable dialogues were recited by-heart by participants — and that a serious hunt for suitable replacements was already under way. When they saw the Kohli-Gambhir confrontation, they were overjoyed and signed the up the two Delhi hot-headed cricketers immediately.
But a disgruntled Raghu and Rajeev were determined not let this happen and requested they themselves take a Roadies-type audition-cum-interview of Gambhir and Kohli, assisted by their loyal sidekick Rannvijay. Much to the chagrin of the entire MTV crew, within 10 minutes, Raghu and Rajeev were seen coming out sweating profusely and breathing heavily, sings of mental trauma for which they were hospitalised.
When asked what the experience inside was like, they replied with tremblingly: “We have never heard, seen or felt anything like this before. Even as we entered the room, they had the same expression on their faces as during the Delhi Daredevils-Royal Challengers Bangalore match. When we asked them ‘Why so Gambhir?’ They let out a barrage of expletives which compelled us to close our eyes and shut our ears.“
One of the twins, in between sobs, recalled the set of occurrences: “Virat, in particular, seemed in a foul mood. Since one of the questions in the application was about his ambitions, I asked him, ‘Aapki kaun si tammanna poori nahi hui hain aaj tak?’ Hearing which he just lost it and let out steam and tore me apart like an angry beast. Cannot figure out why he had to respond so aggressively to a perfectly harmless question. We never even got a chance to speak and they started throwing choicest abuses at us. It was like getting our ears drilled out. At one point of time, they even indulged in bullying because they said our heads reminded them of Virender Sehwag before his hair-transplant. We were treated even worse than Lasith Malinga.”
On Rannvijay’s conspicuous absence, Raghu was quick to reply: “He says he is stunned! He has been hiding in the restroom ever since the audition began. He says he won’t come out before the next IPL [Indian Premier League] season.“
The show producers were on the moon, having managed such suitable finds for the show. When probed further, they admitted that their original choice of combination had been Harbhajan Singh and Shantakumaran Sreesanth, having taken a couple of auditions. But they stopped short of selecting them for a couple of reasons. Firstly, the show would require English/Hindi subtitles given the fact that the audience would face difficulty in comprehending Malayalam cuss words. Secondly, the audience would not appreciate one of the interviewers breaking into an impromptu dance. And most importantly, the two of them could get physically violent frequently by indulging in slapping, pinching and elbowing, completely oblivious to the participant in front of them.
When asked how they hoped to maintain the intensity levels of the auditions, one of the producers said that they had very effective plans in place. Before the start of each audition Kohli and Gambhir would be shown videos involving them, Kamran Akmal, Shan Watson, Shahid Afridi, David Warner, or alternatively or alternatively photos of Vijay Mallya and SRK.
(Vish Hariharan, who writes under the pen name of “Newsense” is an IIM (Ahmedabad) graduate. He blogs at “From The Dog’s Mouth”. The above spoof was posted on www.fakingnews.com, from where it’s reproduced with permission)