Worried that fans will now target him in case of defeat, Dhoni urges Anushka, Virat to make up

The widely reported breakup between actress Anushka Sharma and Indian cricket’s mainstay Virat Kohli may have upset a lot of cricket and Bollywood fans, but no one is losing as much sleep over the issue as skipper MS Dhoni.

“Mahi hasn’t been himself ever since he heard about the breakup. With the World T20 tournament coming up, MS is upset that he will no longer have Anushka Sharma in the stands to take the hit for his losses. Having her amidst the spectators reassured him that even if something goes wrong in the match, people will go after her for bringing bad luck to the team instead of burning his effigy or stoning his house, which in turn actually improved his captaincy. But now with Virat no longer seeing Anushka, she has no reason to come watch the match,” said a Team India insider, and added. “Dhoni wants his panauti back.”

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Dhoni has, since, spent all his time trying to persuade the two to make up and get back into a relationship.

“Think about it, yaar,” he was heard pleading to Kohli, “the next time you get out after playing one shot too many, people will blame your lack of judgement instead of cursing Anushka for appearing on camera just before that over. Commentators will say horrible things like ‘That wasn’t sensible cricket by Virat’. Do you really want that?”

Dhoni has also been urging Anushka Sharma to reconsider Virat’s proposal, which is reportedly the reason for their breakup. “What was so wrong about his proposal, yaar?” he was heard beseeching Anushka, “You are a Delhi girl, he’s a Delhi boy. He’s good looking and successful, and frankly far better than that joker Ranveer Singh you were dating earlier. There’s also no age difference between you two. Your parents like Virat. Even your horoscopes match; I checked that yesterday on askganesha.com. Then what is the problem? If you don’t want to marry him now, that’s OK. Get married a little later, but why are you breaking up?”

An annoyed Anushka Sharma later said, “I have received more calls and SMSs from Dhoni than Virat on this matter. If this goes on, I’ll gonna have to block him and report him to the authorities.”

When his efforts yielded no results, Dhoni, like Kohli, tweeted a picture of himself with the caption “Heartbroken”. Fortunately, Sakshi Dhoni quickly deleted the tweet before anyone could take a snapshot (other than The UnReal Times, of course), thereby saving themselves random media speculation about their marriage.

Meanwhile, Yuvraj Singh’s illustrious father, Yograj Singh blasted Dhoni for interfering in the private matters of Kohli and Anushka and shamelessly pleading them to get back together. “Didn’t I tell you that one day he’ll end up begging, and not get any favour?” he crowed in delight.

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

(Originally published in UnRealtimes, “Unreal Mama” is the pen name of CS Krishna & Karthik Laxman, founding editors of the site which is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)