Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction
Kieron Pollard is a character who finds it tough to stay away from trouble. On Sunday, he crossed the line, not just once but twice. First, when he gave unwanted advice to his opponent, and fellow West Indian Chris Gayle. And later when he overreacted and taped his mouth after being warned by the umpire. Anyways shutting his mouth did help and the game went ahead without any untoward incident.
Suvajit Mustafi looks at 10 more such people from the cricket fraternity who would do a favour to all by plastering their mouth.
10: Brad Haddin
Most Australian cricketers believe that sledging is in their DNA. And Haddin typifies the brash Aussie. He irked Virat Kohli — someone similar in character — enough during the Test series against India earlier this year. But he crossed the line when he sledged New Zealander Grant Elliot in the World Cup 2015 final. The reason he gave was ridiculous. He felt Kiwis were very nice guys and needed to be sledged. In Haddin’s book, being nice is a crime! Just shaddap, Mr Haddin.
Related story: ‘Brat’ Haddin — a blot on the game
9: Shane Warne
We love Shane Warne for his genius as a leg-spinner and even as a commentator. Warne finds himself in this list because he sounds illogical trying to defend the indefensible after being caught numerous times ‘sexting’ messages to women all over the world. But the tape on the mouth would not be needed if his fingers are taped to prevent him from sending those obnoxious texts.
Related story: Shane Warne’s nine sensational sexcapades
8: Rajiv Shukla
Shuklaji thinks in Hindi and speaks in English! And to think that the game was introduced to the world by the English! A tape on his mouth can save the world from hearing him. Neither his English nor his cricket is worth listening to. Thank you, Rajiv. You are best heard in Parliament!
7: Arun Lal
In the Bangladesh Premier League (BPL) presentation ceremony, he called it IPL (Indian Premier League) — twice. Not just for the sheer love of his country, but it was another of many other oops moments in his avatar as a commentator.
6: Shoaib Akhtar
His autobiography was all about complains that he had on his teammates and ‘having fun’. Even as an analyst he keeps ranting on his ex-teammates making it obvious that he is out to settle personal scores on national television.
Related story: Petition appeals to Shoaib Akhtar to rant against Rameez Raja’s commentary!
5: Rameez Raja
“Misbah looked cool from exterior, don’t know about interior”…
“Soft ball has been hit quite hard”…
“Those throbbing balls are below 115”…
“Praveen Kumar has experienced hands”…
“Hafeez is pushing smoothly. His partner Jamshed is satisfied today”…
These are some of the ‘gems’ Rameez has said in the commentary box over the years. Should viewers be subjected to such dirty talks on national TV on prime time with the family? He is the Raja of embarrassments. Bring the tape, quickly!
4: Navjot Sidhu
“He is so innocent that if he is thrown in a sea of breasts, he will come out sucking his thumb!” This is what Navjot Sidhu once said about Parthiv Patel. Using metaphors can be interesting, but Sidhu has managed to give metaphors a bad name with his extremes. He is the ultimate motor mouth.
3: Ravi Shastri
This man has taken clichés to a different level! Shastri is an internet legend for his cocky ways and insufferable clichés. It was a blessing to TV commentary when he was appointed Director of Team India. TV viewers are now dreading he will be back soon on TV.
2: Vinod Kambli
He plays the eternal victim. If Kambli is to be believed then Sachin Tendulkar didn’t help him enough, Eden Gardens crowd denied him a win moment, Mohammad Azharuddin fixed the 1996 World Cup semi-final, his friend accesses his Twitter handle to tweet some nonsense against cricketers… The list is endless. Enough reasons to tape Kambli’s mouth — and even his fingers!
How to lose friends, the Vinod Kambli way
Seven instances when Vinod Kambli’s public posturing proved to be an embarrassment
1: Yograj Singh
A tape on Yograj’s mouth is something even his son Yuvraj Singh will provide an helping hand! Yograj’s remarks on Indian skipper Mahendra Singh Dhoni were completely uncalled for. First he accused Dhoni of dropping Yuvraj from the Indian side, later called him a bad person, compared him to the mythological demon Ravana and cursed him to be penniless one day. Yograj did not manage to hurt Dhoni; all that he did was to expose himself. This is one noise pollution which needs to be stopped ahead of any other. A simple tape wouldn’t do; it needs to be sealed with glue.
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(Suvajit Mustafi consumes cricket for lunch, fiction for dinner and munches numerous other snacks throughout the day. Yes, a jack of several trades, all Suvajit dreamt of was being India’s World Cup winning skipper but ended up being a sports writer, author, screenwriter, director, copywriter, graphic designer, sports marketer, strategist, entrepreneur, philosopher and traveller. Donning so many hats, it’s cricket which gives him the ultimate high and where he finds solace. He can be followed at @RibsGully and rivu7)
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