Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction
Mike Hussey and Brett Lee gear up for their South African and Irish coaching roles respectively. The support staffs of the teams are also on a constant rise; the Sri Lankan team. With sledging now an important arsenal in modern cricket, teams are planning to rope-in a sledging coach.
We live in the All India Backchod (AIB) era where definition of the word ‘taboo’ has changed. Even the ice-cool Steve Waugh famously spoke of mental disintegration. What was once ‘war of words’ or ‘witty ripostes’, have now given way to unleashing of abuses. And with the game of cricket going increasingly against the bowlers, out-of-the-box thinking is shown by the backroom strategists. The need for a sledging coach is a result of such thinking.
With decline of bowling standards, teams are now looking ahead to counter the verbal volleys too, along with the frequent half ones. Delivering both consistently is the Indian team and teams are on a look out to counter that.
Raghu Ram, the top contender
Inspired by the AIB roast video, Pakistan, Australia and England are now eyeing a sledging coach. According to reliable sources, all three teams are looking at Raghu Ram of Roadies fame, who had taken sledging and abusing on television to the line of a fine art.
Cricket Australia (CA) thought of hiring Raghu Ram after the on-field incident last month when David Warner failed to reply Rohit Sharma’s query in Hindi. A CA official, who didn’t wish to be named, said: “We are impressed with Mr Raghu Ram’s extraordinary vocabulary range when it comes to Hindi sledges and also love his intimidating tactics. That’s the Aussie way and it’s true we are eyeing his services as a sledging coach.”
England and Wales Cricket Board (ECB) are also eyeing the ‘angry bald man.’ An ECB spokesperson diplomatically said, “With Mr Raghu on board, we will ensure Mr Anderson can interpret Mr Ravindra Jadeja’s concern; things can be solved diplomatically. After all cricket is a gentleman’s sport.”
Misbah-ul-Haq is also a much mellowed down side unlike what they used to be in the past. With Pakistan clashing with the aggressive Indian side at Adelaide on Sunday, it’s not just Virat Kohli’s batting which is a concern for them. A Pakistan Cricket Board (PCB) spokesperson said, “We are also concerned about Virat’s knowledge of his opponent’s mothers and sisters. It’s some knowledge that once our teams of past had. We desperately want someone, who can help us with this knowledge bank.”
Arjun Kapoor, Ranvir Singh and Karan Johar also in the fray
Bollywood and cricket go hand in hand and how can the ever-opportunist film fraternity stay behind in the race. Arjun Kapoor, Ranvir Singh and Karan Johar, have also made themselves available for the positions and used AIB Knockout platform as an audition stage for the same. But as frequently mentioned on the AIB stage, the Gunday stars are so useless that even UAE and Afghanistan have rejected their offers.
It seems Ranvir will still have to wait long in order to get back at Kohli for for Anushka Sharma. Despite all the desperation, Raghu is the hands on winner!
(Suvajit Mustafi consumes cricket for lunch, fiction for dinner and munches numerous other snacks throughout the day. Yes, a jack of several trades, all Suvajit dreamt of was being India’s World Cup winning skipper but ended up being a sports writer, author, screenwriter, director, copywriter, graphic designer, sports marketer, strategist, entrepreneur, philosopher and traveller. Donning so many hats, it’s cricket which gives him the ultimate high and where he finds solace. He can be followed at @RibsGully and rivu7)
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