Captain Dhoni oozes confidence on eve of Zimbabwe tour

India’s limited overs captain MS Dhoni appeared in great spirits on the eve of the team’s 15 day tour of Zimbabwe, where they will play three One day Internationals and three T20 fixtures. Addressing a press conference in Mumbai, MSD, sporting a Mohawk hair do, was his usual forthright self. Here are some excerpts:-

Question: First off, on a personal note MS, how is the baby?

MSD: Well, he is a new face on the scene and I thought he did pretty well, whenever he got the chance, but let’s wait and see. Sorry? Oh, you meant my baby. I thought you were talking about this chap, Sachin Baby who plays for RCB. Ha ha! Well my baby is doing fine though she is having some teething problems, but Sakshi will soon sort that out.

Q: Back to the tour, Graeme Cremer thinks it will be a tough series. Any comment?

MSD: Graham Who? Sorry, didn’t quite catch the name.

Q: Graeme Cremer. Captain of Zimbabwe. He expects a tough series.

MSD: Never heard of him, but I agree with him that it will be a tough series. Certainly for Zimbabwe. (Turns to the manager and asks for the Zimbabwe team list).

Q: MS, you are also without so many key players. No Virat, Ashwin, Jinks, Suresh etc. How will you cope?

MS: Look, I didn’t want any of those guys in the team in the first place. Against Zimbabwe, with Virat and company, I wouldn’t have got a chance to face a single ball. Unless I opened the batting. Then I would have had to listen to Ravi Bhai rooting for Virat as the captain. Not to mention that odious Boria character, who wants Saurav reinstated as the skipper. Oh, hi Boria, didn’t see you hiding behind that wide pillar. Bhalo aachhen? Ok, next?

Q: I am Django Kookkaburra from the Harare Tribune. Can you tell us MS, your assessment of this new look Zimbabwe team?

MS: Look Kooky. May I call you Kooky? Easier all round. Thanks. Any team from Zimbabwe is new to me. I only knew Duncan Fletcher, and it was impossible to get a word out of him. Anyway from the team list in front of me, I see that you have two Mazakadzas and a Chibhabha, which is tough enough on the Indian commentary team. Mutumbami, Muzarabani and Jongwe won’t help matters either. Next question? Ah, Boria. I can see you straining at the leash. Ravi Bhai taught me that expression.

Q:  And he taught you well, MS. But since it is unlikely you will skipper India at the next World Cup, given that you will be 38 then, should you not hang up your boots, and let a younger man take over?

MS: To answer that question, I am going to invite Kooky from the Harare Tribune to come and sit next to me. Good. Tell me Kooky, do I look 34 to you (No Boss, you look 24). Did you see me running up and down the stairs before this conference, and was I short of breath? (No Boss, you looked super fit). Do you think I’ll be fit enough to captain India at the next World Cup? (Sure thing MS, I mean Boss). Satisfied, Boria? Go back to Kolkata to your maacher jhol and your rossogollas.

Q: Finally MS, what do you think of Faiz Fazal as a prospect?

MS: I know Zimbabwe has many expats in their team, but I have yet to come across this Fazal chap. Sorry, what was that? He is in my team? (looks at his team sheet). Oh heck, you are quite right. Faiz Fazal, yeah. Good top spin googly bowler. No, no that’s Chahal. I think he is an aggressive middle order batsman who can also turn his arm over. We’ll see at the nets.

Thanks everyone. I am sure we can count on the media’s full support. As Ravi Bhai might put it, I must dash off like a tracer bullet.

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

(Suresh Subrahmanyan Bangalore based brand communications consultant, occasional columnist, deeply interested in western classical and Carnatic music and 70s pop and rock, follow cricket and tennis, and an avid fan of P.G. Wodehouse. The above article is reproduced with permission from UnReal Times.)