Chennai skipper MS Dhoni (centre) with team © AFP
Chennai skipper MS Dhoni (centre) with team © AFP


By Rahul Namjoshi  


Scene 1


Mumbai Indians dressing room 


Sachin Tendulkar – Ok boys, we have got to win only two matches to win this IPL. My boys won the World Cup for me just about a month back. The same Virat who carried me on his shoulders on that day is today plotting my downfall. Why don’t they just do it for Sachin, I say? 


Harbhajan SinghOye, (looking at Andrew Symonds purposefully), Teri behen ki! I feel like crying. You reminded me of that emotional tale called the Ramayan where brothers fight brothers and Hanuman the monkey god (winces) sits on a chariot of one of the winners playing no active role. (Again looks at Symonds). I have known a few people like him. 


Sachin Tendulkar – Bhajji, it was the Mahabharata. I have told that to you more times than I have asked you to flight the ball and you still forget. But let’s talk cricket. What should our strategy be to win the next match? 


Rohit Sharma – Sir, I think we can get an extra spinner in the line up given that the Chennai pitch will turn. We can try bowling me once in while, we should not play around too much with the batting order, we can try and give less bowling and more batting to Kieron (Pollard), we can even… 


Sachin Tendulkar (giving Rohit a dark look) – Rohit, that was a rhetorical question. I know what I am going to do. We will open our bowling with Kieron. Chris Gayle will be laughing so much that he will hand us his wicket for the free entertainment provided to him. And what are you sniggering at Bhajji? I am not talking about that item girl. I was talking about Kieron’s bowling. It will be easy going after that. Every time the ball goes to the boundary, we place a fielder there. That will give the batters a hard time.  


Munaf Patel (excited) – And what about our batting strategy, Paaji? Please elect to bat first if you win the toss. I always get batting practice when we do that. Last time when we batted second against KKR, even Dhawal (Kulkarni) didn’t get to bat.’ 


Sachin Tendulkar – Don’t worry Munaf, next time I will send you ahead of Suman if we are chasing. I promise! 


Andrew Symonds – Sashin, will I be in the playing XI in the next match? 


Everybody starts rolling on the floor laughing. SRT doesn’t even answer the question. 


Rohit Sharma – What is our strategy if we win and play CSK? 


Everyone starts rolling on the floor again. 


Sachin Tendulkar – Our strategy doesn’t change. Only our opponents do. 


Scene 2 


RCB dressing room 


Sid Mallya – So, boys, what dress should Deepika (Padukone) be wearing in the next match? And does dad look ok with his new diamond studded nose ring? I am under so much pressure here. Can someone please help me out here? 


Virat Kohli – Wake up, Sid! We are planning our strategy for our match against the Mumbai Indians. We don’t want any distractions for now. By the way Deepika can wear the clothes that I wore in my Pepsi Bleed Blue ad and your dad can wear his attitude. Jesus Chris(t) is our saviour and he will win it for us! The meeting is over. 


Scene 3 


CSK dressing room


Mahendra Singh Dhoni – Boys, did the Pandavas need a strategy when they had a Shakuni mama on their side? Sorry, I meant Krishna on their side. There’s nothing to worry. Cheeka (Krishnamachari Srikkanth) and Srini (N Srinivasan) will take care of us. We just have to turn up at the match, bowl in the right areas, play each ball on its merit and even if we don’t do that, Srini hai na!!’


(Rahul Namjoshi, an utter failure as an MBA, has no published novel to boast of and hence trying the next best thing – blogging. There, too, the results there aren’t too encouraging)