MS Dhoni (left) and Lord Voldemort
MS Dhoni (left) and Lord Voldemort

 

By Madan Mohan

 

The debacle unfolding in England left Mahendra Singh Dhoni shell-shocked. His Midas touch had been stolen from the locker room, to his utter shock and he was at a loss as to how would he ever lead the Indian team to winning ways again without it. He decided he needed some divine intervention; or, perhaps, intervention of a demonic variety.

 

Word had come around that Lord Voldemort of the famed Harry Potter legend was in fact alive and well and safely ensconced in an upscale property in London, shrouded in obscurity (psst, JK Rowling should not know of this, else the dreaded eighth part of the series will shortly be upon us!). The dark lord had provided much assistance to Britain’s businessmen and important political personalities in perpetrating scams that could never be traced back to the true culprits. In return for his financial wizardry, he had been offered immunity from criminal punishment for his atrocities against citizens of Britain. A promise had also been extracted from him that he would never indulge in acts that could be construed as supernatural or demonic lest the public got wind of his presence.

 

How it is that Dhoni managed to obtain an appointment with the one known to us Muggles as You Know Who remains a mystery and perhaps testifies to the fact that his Midas touch has not deserted him off the field. But in the event, Dhoni arranged a secret meeting with Lord Voldemort and recounted to him his travails on the tour of England so far. A reliable source hacked the computers of the CCTV system in the block where they met and mailed it across to us. And no, the source had nothing to do with Murdoch.

 

The conversation thereafter went thus:

 

Lord Voldemort (LV): Hullo, Dhoni, old boy! Don’t worry, I will take over as captain and we will blast the bloody Poms. I will get a good disguise arranged from my tailor and nobody will spot the difference, I promise you.

 

MS Dhoni (MSD): (Wonders) Aren’t you a Pom yourself?

(Aloud): But, sir, I sacrificed my long hair for the sake of the team four years back. So, if the spectators see your long hair, they will realize something is fishy and if they find out, we will both be in big trouble.

 

LV: Hmmm…

 

MSD: Please, can you just magically transmit information to me about what’s going to happen next? I am sure you’d know all about it already. You know, in one World Cup, a coach used wireless to tell his captain what to do. So maybe…

 

LV: (Raises his hand) Can’t help you there, I am afraid. I have undertaken in writing not to use my magical powers in public.

 

MSD: You could make the ink disappear.

 

LV: (glares sternly)

 

MSD: (Slaps his own forehead) Then what is the use, Voldy? I wasted so much money to come here and you are telling me you can’t use magic.

 

LV: You, what?

 

MSD: Don’t mind, it happens in India.

 

LV: Look, between the two of us, I know what England are going to do next, so I can tell you what you need to do to win.

 

MSD: Even Duncan Fletcher says that. What is the use if we can’t do what we need to?

 

LV: Listen to me. I promise you this will work. (Pauses and clears his throat) First, open the batting with Ishant Sharma and Sreesanth.

 

MSD: (incredulously) Ishant?

 

LV: Look, your openers get out first ball. You might as well send your tailenders to see the new ball off. Once the shine is gone off the cherry, your batsmen will whack England out of the park!

 

MSD: Yaar, I never thought of this…

 

LV: Wait, there’s more. Next, open the bowling with Sachin Tendulkar and Virender Sehwag.

 

MSD: What!

 

LV: See, your bowlers don’t get any movement going with the new ball anyway. Use Sachin and Sehwag to get the over-rate up so you can rest assured you won’t get suspended. Cook and Strauss will cautiously wait for their spells to get over to see off the new ball. Then, you can bowl your pace bowlers all day and don’t have to bowl Harbhajan first up after lunch.

 

MSD: Harbhajan is not playing.

 

LV: Well, him or his replacement, whatever. You do follow me, don’t you?

 

MSD: (nods vigorously)

 

LV: Lastly, be sure to bat first at Edgbaston. Don’t choose to bowl.

 

MSD: But my batsmen won’t be handle all the swing and will get out in a day.

 

LS: Precisely! And for the next two days, England will milk your bowlers away. After that, Tendulkar gets two days to bat and get his 100th century.

 

MSD: Hmmm…but Voldy, how will our team win then? You said…

 

LS: (cutting in) You can always say if only you had consulted me earlier, you wouldn’t have lost the matches and the Board should give you more time to prepare next time. Besides, as long as Tendulkar hits a century, you’re ok, right? (winks)

 

MSD: Perfect! Voldy, you are amazing. Thanks, I feel so much better already. Shall I make it large?

 

(Madan Mohan, a 25-year old CA from Mumbai, is passionate about writing, music and cricket. Writing on cricket is like the icing on the cake.)