How Extra Innings host Gaurav Kapur crawled out of his coffin and readied himself just before IPL 2013

Just after the bandages were removed

By UnReal Mama

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction

At 3.00 am on Tuesday, Gaurav Kapur and Sameer Kochar, Indian Premier League’s (IPL) perennial hosts, crawled out of their respective coffins buried in the St. Johns Cemetery in Lutyens’ Delhi  — adjacent to Rajiv Shukla’s bungalow — and headed towards the IPL headquarters to get  ‘demummified’ and primed for this year’s orgy of mindless entertainment.

Every year after IPL ends, the duo are embalmed, mummified and preserved until the next edition begins.

“We started this practice after IPL2 when Gaurav requested us to bury him till the next season begins since he has absolutely nothing to do in between IPLs, and no one cares a damn for him during off-season,” revealed an IPL organiser.

Dr. Praveen Batra, the resident IPL paleopathology, proceeded to de-mummify the two, cut their hair, and make them look presentable in front of the cameras.

“Sameer is relatively hair-free, but this Kapur chap is a barber’s nightmare, just like his uncle Anil Kapoor,” informed Dr. Batra, as he proceeded to trim Kapur’s shaggy face.

Bringing them up to speed on what happened in the world while they were in hibernation was easier.

“They actually correctly second-guessed a lot of things…Lokpal Bill still in drafting stage, Rahul Gandhi still unsure of what he wants to do in life, Bharatiya Janata Party (BJP) yet to decide its Prime Ministerial candidate, Kingfisher Airlines planes still grounded, which means Mallya continues to pay Royal Challengers Bangalore salaries on time, Ram Gopal Varma continues to produce flicks that bomb at the box-office,” revealed an IPL official.  “Oh in passing, we also mentioned that Pune Warriors’ owner, Subrata Roy, could go to jail and that Deccan Chargers has morphed into Sun Risers after change of ownership but being true professionals, these guys don’t care as long as they are getting paid,” he added.

However, there were a few tense moments after Gaurav Kapur heard the new IPL tune ‘Dil jumping japaang’, shrieked in horror, and ran back into his coffin. After much cajoling and inducements, which included a 100% hike in salary, the hirsute sports presenter gingerly stepped out his coffin.

“The tune takes while to grow on you. After that it becomes addictive and you can’t get it out of head (sic),” said IPL commissioner, Rajiv Shukla, before abruptly breaking into the Farah Khan choreographed jig himself.

There was another near goof-up when Gaurav Kapur almost mentioned ‘DLF’ in his opening lines in front of the cameras. Evidently, someone had failed to brief him on the most important development in 2012-13: that Pepsi were the new IPL title sponsors and the real-estate conglomerate’s name was not to be mentioned ever again, not even in the presence of Robert Vadra.

Needless to say, the entire IPL top brass including BCCI president, N Srinivasan, pounced on Kapur and made sure that Pepsi being the new title sponsors was permanently hardwired into his brain.

(“Unreal Mama” is the pen name under which CS Krishna (left) and Karthik Laxman (right), the founding editors of The Unreal Times (www.theunrealtimes.com), write fictional news reports, dressing room conversations and other such articles marrying humour with satire. The Unreal Times is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal. The above spoof has inputs from Unreal Times columnist Ajayendar Reddy)