ICC Champions Trophy: Dhoni, Misbah and other players from India and Pakistan discuss Saturday’s match

India beat Pakistan by eight wickets in the ICC Champions Trophy 2013 game in Birmingham © Getty Images

By UnReal Mama

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction

Going into the dead rubber, Mahendra Singh Dhoni was faced with a problem of plenty, and we are talking about the bowling. “Please MS bhai, let us have a go at the Pakistani batting line-up,” pleaded bench-warmers, Irfan Pathan and Vinay Kumar, realising such opportunities don’t come frequently.

Eventually, Dhoni decided to stick with the original combination and opted to bowl after winning the toss. After all, with Ishant Sharma one never knows what to expect, and Dhoni was hoping that his team would get to chase a score in excess of 300, with a flamboyant finish by him, of course.

However, Dhoni’s hopes were belied as Pakistani wickets began to fall in regular procession, the second wicket partnership between Kamran and Mohammad Hafeez notwithstanding. At 56 for three, the question uppermost in the minds of most Indians was:

It didn’t help matters that after the second rain interruption, Dhoni set the cat among the pigeons by unleashing ‘Sir’ Ravindra Jadeja. ‘Jadejageddon’ ensued.

After yet another blink and you miss appearance, Malik tried to plan for the rest of the evening:

On an aside, it wasn’t just the Pakistani batsmen who were rattled by ‘Sir’ Jadeja. Some years ago, on a dying planet named Krypton, this happened:

Wickets tumbled left, right and centre, and suddenly Pakistan’s strike bowler, Mohammad Irfan, found himself staring at a pumped up Ishant Sharma in the middle. “One step for Irfan, one giant run for Pakistan,” screamed Navjot Singh Sidhu with childish glee, only for the Indian fielders to promptly run out the 7’1″ giant before he could even figure out what was happening. If there were Indian fans who hadn’t already fainted by the blistering fielding display by the Indians, they promptly collapsed when someone commented on air that India has been the best fielding side in this tournament.

Pakistanis slumped to 165 all out in 39.4 overs (later adjusted to 167 by our beloved Duckworth-Lewis method). The low score induced an otherwise reclusive Dr. Manmohan Singh to cheekily call up his Pakistani counterpart to resume cricketing diplomacy:

Meanwhile, during the innings break, Misbah-ul-Haq tried in vain to intimidate MSD:

Back in the Pakistani dressing room, however, the team spirit wasn’t quite there, as players sought to find the reasons behind the poor batting performance:

Irfan Dinda

The Indian innings began slowly; Rohit Sharma and Shikhar Dhawan got things going cautiously, treating every ball on its merit, as the Pakistani pace battery of Mohammad Irfan and Junaid Khan bowled a probing line and length. After easing into the innings, the openers gradually began to assert themselves, caressing a few boundaries either side of the wicket. In no time, with hardly any effort, the score motored to 45 for no loss, before rain intervened.

At this point, the match lost more than half of its viewers worldwide. Pakistani fans saw the writing on the wall and switched their TV sets off, whereas Indian fans, benumbed by the ease by which the Indian batsmen were doing it, turned to Jhalak Dikhlaja to watch Krishnamachari Srikkanth violently shake his body dance to hit numbers.

More rain interruptions meant Duckworth-Lewis (D/L) came into play again, and it was a miracle that the computer being used to execute the D/L algorithm did not break down. The match was soon done and dusted with, and as the Indian batsmen completed formalities, the stands witnessed an unusual sight:

The match, earlier declared by Misbah-ul-Haq as equivalent to a final for Pakistan, almost resulted in a revolt in the Pakistani dressing room, before Dhoni stepped in to bring things back to normalcy in his own inimitable manner.

(Originally published in www.theunrealtimes.comUnreal Mama” is the pen name of CS Krishna & Karthik Laxman, founding editors of the site which is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)