ICC to introduce DRS for DRS to minimise third umpire howlers!

The new technology is understandably going to cost a lot of money, nearly $1 million per day, to deploy. Either that or the ICC gets rid of Kumar Dharmasena (left) from the third umpire’s seat © Getty Images

By UnReal Mama

Please note this is a humour article – work of pure fiction by UnReal Times
After Kumar Dharmasena, the third umpire in the ongoing third Ashes Test at Old Trafford failed to see the yawning two-and-a-half-mile gap between bat and ball even in super-slow mo while reviewing Usman Khawaja’s erroneous dismissal, the International Cricket Council (ICC) has decided to institute a Decision Review System (DRS) for DRS to minimise not just on-field umpiring errors but also third umpire howlers.

“We thought DRS would help cut down on umpiring howlers but now realise that the system is far from foolproof if the likes of Dharmasena have to adjudicate and clearly teams ought to be able to appeal third umpire blunders as well,” said ICC President Alan Isaac.
Under the new system, the aggrieved party can review (or re-review in DRS jargon) the third umpire’s decision by gesturing an inverted T (many players wanted to use the middle finger but the ICC understandably shot that down). This will bring the fourth umpire and next generation DRS technology:

a. Super duper slow mo that slows down the speed to the rate at which Afridi ages.
b. Micro-hot spot, which will detect whether Higgs-Bosons from the ball kissed their counter-parts on the bat.

c. Cock-eye, the fourth generation algorithm, that, among other fancy things, also solves the Schrodinger Wave equation of the travelling ball to estimate the probability of the red-cherry, which as well all know is also a wave, hitting the stumps, in plotting its trajectory into play.

Under the new system, each team will be allowed two unsuccessful re-reviews per review with the exception of Australia which will enjoy an extra one. “Well, these Aussies seem to know their Quantum Mechanics very well: quantum tunneling effects, the constraints imposed by Heisenberg’s uncertainty principle and so forth. What else can explain the likes of Warner reviewing what at least to the naked eye and in the world of classical mechanics was a clear edge? So it was only fair that they get an extra re-review to make sure the fourth umpire got the quantum math right,” explained an ICC official.
The new technology is understandably going to cost a lot of money, nearly $1 million per day, to deploy. Either that or the ICC gets rid of Dharmasena from the third umpire’s seat.
(Originally published in www.theunrealtimes.com“Unreal Mama” is the pen name of CS Krishna & Karthik Laxman, founding editors of the site which is India’s favourite satire, spoof, parody and humour portal)