Inspired by RaGa, Stuart Binny claims that batsmen won’t let him play because they’re afraid of him
Shreyas Iyer scored 117 in the Ranji Trophy 2015-16 final against Saurashtra. Photo Courtesy: Shreyas Iyer on Facebook

In the sidelines of a recent event, Indian tearaway pace bowler Stuart Binny claimed that he was either not picked or under-bowled because of the fear he invoked in the best of the batsmen around the world. Wearing an impressive stubble, Binny rolled up his sleeves and, in an uncharacteristically angry tone, let go into the waiting mikes: “I want to bowl. I love bowling. But they won’t let me. All these batsmen are scared of me, so they won’t let me bowl.”

When one of the reporters reminded him that it was for the Indian captain to decide who would be bowled, the young Binny gave a goofy grin and walked off.

Sources close to the star Indian cricketer (we’re still talking of Stuart Binny) revealed that the back story was the iconic youth leader Rahul Gandhi’s inspiring sound byte at the steps of the Indian parliament a few days back when he famously thundered, “I will speak on JNU. But they won’t let me. They are scared of me.”

The UnReal Times’ correspondents have pieced together various reactions to the Gandhi scion’s scathing criticism of the ruling party. The BJP apparently went into a nervous huddle upon hearing the young leader’s words. The predominant emotion in the BJP camp was reportedly an intense fear of how the new, improved and aggressive Congress leader was going to expose them. The general sense was that the BJP’s game was up. There was, supposedly, a micro-minority that felt let down by Rahul’s stand and was exhorting the treasury benches to do all they could to encourage, by word and gesture, the young leader to speak – however, this could not be confirmed.

The Congress was also in a huddle but of a more celebratory nature. In the Congress HQ, a beaming Sonia Gandhi was observed wearing a proud smile on her face and wiping off a small tear of happiness. Next to her, Rahul’s mentoring team led by Digvijay was preening, bursting with pride, their work done. There reportedly was a micro-minority here too, which felt that this was the best possible ending and that the charismatic young leader would hopefully stick to his guns and not address the parliament.

By evening that day, the great Indian press, known worldwide for its unbiased and objective coverage of political news, was in the thick of action, with the following tickers: “Rahul tears into Modi”, “Rahul slams BJP” and “Rising Fear in India”.

Clearly, Rahul’s words had touched a chord with many like-minded Indians. Sagarika Ghose was soon seen in action on Twitter: “Feel the same. I want to anchor news programs, but they are afraid of me and won’t let me. Respect @OfficeOfRG.”

Rahul’s words were soon trending under the hashtag #YoIndiaSoAfraid and retweets were being recorded by the hundreds, with prominent personalities like Uday Chopra, Abhishek Bachan and Rohan Gavaskar expressing support for Rahul’s point of view.

In a defining moment, prominent NDTV anchor Ravish Kumar changed the TV screen to a bright white. “Too much fear in India these days and the dark will make it worse. Let there be light…,” he proclaimed grandly.

Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction

(Venkat Shankar is a private equity investor | ex-soda salesman | Convinced that there is a lighter side to everything | Atheist who believes that if indeed there is a god, his name would be Ilayaraja. The above article was originally published in UnReal Times)