“You will see our bowlers making headlines this year,” Royal Challengers Bangalore (RCB) captain Virat Kohli had said in one of the press conferences before the IPL 2018. RCB fans were obviously excited when they read it for the first time. However, 4 matches into the IPL, RCB have finally realised the sarcasm behind Kohli’s statement. If there is one thing which has remained consistent from Match 1 of IPL 11 it is RCB bowling. The bowling ensures that when their batsmen walk out to chase they can never use a low target as an excuse for not getting the Orange Cap.

Over years, RCB bowlers have helped Kohli practise innovative curse-words that have helped him in international cricket.

Tymal Mills was RCB’s most expensive buy last year. He was discarded after a few games after they realised he was not a great fit. We are afraid something similar is happening this time too. Chris Woakes, their most expensive player this auction, has leaked runs despite taking wickets.

Entitled Woakes

Chris Woakes was upset with Corey Anderson after the latter took a serious hammering in the final over: “Look. I am living up to my tag. I was their most expensive buy this year. I am going be the most expensive bowler.”

Thankfully, Kohli was busy recording a video about his push-ups and did not hear Woakes. When Kohli finally arrived after a million push-ups we had the privilege to interview him. He was seemingly furious at the cameraman for not having recorded the video properly. Our sources informed that this was the same cameraman who recorded video footages for the DRS when Hardik Pandya was at the crease.

Kagiso Rabada queries ICC if ‘Naagin dance’ celebrations are allowed!
Kagiso Rabada queries ICC if ‘Naagin dance’ celebrations are allowed!

Anyway, we asked Kohli about his strategy for the remaining matches. To our utter disbelief, Kohli said, “Ashish Nehra and Daniel Vettori will be opening the bowling for us in the next match. I have requested them to come out of retirement. Ashu-bhai’s tricks from dugout are not working, so it’s better he does the job himself. I also feel Washington Sundar and Yuzvendra Chahal thrive in T20s under Rohit Sharma’s captaincy, so I am looking at Danny-bhai.”

Nehra-ji has phenomenal IPL record. He has 105 wickets from 88 matches at 23.42 and a strike rate below 18. Vettori’s IPL economy rate in is a miserly 6.78. These numbers are invaluable for RCB. The grapevines suggest that had Vijay Mallya still been around he could have even considered exchanging Nehra and Vettori’s numbers as settlement for his impending loans.

From the old times…

However, we informed Kohli that a new player can only join the team if someone else was out on fitness grounds. Kohli’s response was quick: “Have you seen Sarfaraz Khan run between wickets? I feel Inzi-bhai (Inzamam-ul-Haq) and Dada (Sourav Ganguly) with their shoelaces tied will beat him in a 100-metre sprint even at this age. Do you think it will be hard for us to prove that he is unfit?”

We asked Virat if he would resort to such illegal measures to declare a player unfit. “Everything is fair in love, war and cricket except brainfades and sandpaper,” responded Virat.

We learned that Pawan Negi will be scapegoated for Vettori’s return. Meanwhile, Gary Kirsten is bemused. He had not expected such rapid promotion from batting coach to the head coach.

Vinay Kumar expresses interest

Our sources have also learnt that Vinay Kumar has also expressed interest to return home to play for RCB. He has opted for a mid-season transfer. He was overheard discussing with Robin Uthappa in Kannada in the Kolkata Knight Riders (KKR) camp: “RCB is where I belong. You cannot set KRAs of 8 RPO for a bowler who has played most of his cricket for RCB. That is where I am home.”

Neither Vinay nor Vettori nor Nehra-ji was available for comment. However, now that Nehra-ji has a smart-phone, he will surely respond to us once he reads this article. As for Vinay, we will wait for his tweet.

*Please note this is a humour article — work of pure fiction