MS Dhoni (left) and Duncan Fletcher... Secretly plotting a magic formula to achieve India's first Test series win in Australia © Getty Images
MS Dhoni (left) and Duncan Fletcher… Secretly plotting a magic formula to achieve India’s first Test series win in Australia © Getty Images


By Madan Mohan


A little bird tells me that Mahendra Singh Dhoni and Duncan Fletcher are secretly plotting a magic formula to achieve India’s first Test series win in Australia. They have engaged the services of Suresh Kalmadi, who successfully organised the 2010 Commonwealth Games and have agreed to pay him an undisclosed sum for the expert advice he shall impart to them. At the time of writing, the money had apparently yet to be transferred to the appropriate Swiss bank account.


Although the mission is top secret, yours truly managed to obtain a rough draft of the strategy through Wikileaks. I also firmly believe in the public’s right to know, so everyone, including Michael Clarke, will now be privy to Dhoni’s recipe for success. It is as follows:


–         Engineer a power failure to shut down the electronic scorecard when Sachin Tendulkar crosses 90.  He will then inadvertently achieve his hundredth 100. From the next innings onwards, he will play without taking too much pressure and enjoy his career best series in Australia.


–         Urgently rush the services of the best physio India can buy to ensure Mitchell Johnson’s fitness and selection for the Test series.


–         Plaster Shantakumaran Sreesanth’s mouth tightly with a tape. He shall then be fully empowered to seek spirituality…and wickets.


–         Dhoni and Clarke will sign a friendly pact by which both teams shall abide. The pact shall stipulate that no Australian bowlers will target Gautam Gambhir’s head.


–         As a token of appreciation, offer free tickets to Agra and back for Pat Cummins. Book his return flight back to Australia on December 25 in Kingfisher Airlines.


–         Under the force majeure clause, Kalmadi has also offered a disaster management plan to Dhoni should all of the above fail to achieve the desired result. Indict a Cabinet Minister in one of any of the scams freely available in the market and launch a Central Bureau of Investigation (CBI) inquiry. People who still pay attention to India’s performance in Australia shall be suitably admonished and asked to show more concern for the state of the nation rather than the team.


Dhoni and Fletcher are confident that given Kalmadi’s track record of success in diverse fields of activity, their magic formula won’t fail them in any event. They are also confident that his impeccable mastery over justifying lapses of every kind will stand them in good stead should they fail.


(Madan Mohan, a 25-year old CA from Mumbai, is passionate about writing, music and cricket. Writing on cricket is like the icing on the cake)